Top Ten Posts of 2013!

Here are the top ten most-read posts of 2013. If you have liked, shared, commented on, or pinned any of these best-loved posts, I am grateful! Thank you!

#10 - Haven or Hollywood? (Pin it!)

#09 - How to Deal with the Fools in Your Life! (Pin it!)

#08 - Our Afternoon Routine (Pin it!)

#07 - Take cover! (Pin it!)

#06 - Confession of a messy mom. (Pin it!)

#05 - Unfulfilled Dreams? (Pin it!)

#04 - You just don't understand! (Pin it!)

#03 - Teaching children to sit through church (Pin it!)

#02 - No wonder she's not listening (Pin it!)

and the most-read, best-loved post of 2013...

#01 - Our Morning Routine (Pin it!)

Thank you all! I am waiting with great expectation for the lessons the Lord has for me to learn & share in 2014!

Writing as He moves me,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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Intimidation.

www.tumblr.com
(scene from The Little Giants)

"...has it occurred to you that you are...well,

...a little intimidating?

I mean, that maybe when other people look at you, they see that you've set the bar so high for yourself that we all assume that you set the bar that high for us too - even if you don't think you do? And that some people feel inadequate just being around you, or when they see your online posts, or when you're teaching..."

The Lord knows that I'm in a time of my life when I need to hear hard things. I've had conversations where something like the above comment was mentioned FIVE times in the last couple months - which means God is trying a message through!! And He has been faithful to put in my path a women who are faithful to speak those hard things. In love, because they care. He has also given me the gift of Will, who knows me better than anyone else, and is openly honest with me about my weaknesses.

When it comes to my own heart and my relationship with the Lord - I want perfection. I want excellence all of the time. I want to be a beautiful ambassador for Jesus.

I have been so full of pride. I have faltered while thinking I'm okay.

One of the proverbs that utterly. terrifies. me. is 25:26:
A righteous man who falters before the wicked is like a murky spring and a polluted well.

Do you know what happens when people try to find refreshment by drinking from a murky spring or polluted well?! Disease! Maybe even death! They end up sicker and weaker than when they began!

I cannot describe to you the deep-down terror I feel at the idea that someone would come to me for encouragement, or examine my life to see what Jesus is all about, and go away from me spiritually weaker than when they began. I want my life, my heart, my words, my actions, my motives to be a neon sign that points straight to Jesus Christ and His mercy and love and patience and might - always. And because of that, I don't graciously tolerate less than perfection from myself, as it pertains to my journey with the Lord.

The strife comes when I project that desire for "perfect" onto other people. Like my husband, or daughters, or fellow moms, or other brothers & sisters in the Lord, or ...anyone. There is pain, discord, and broken fellowship when I hold them to the standard that only Jesus Christ can attain!

People let people down. I let people down every single day (mainly, Will & the girls, because they are who I spend most of my time with!). It's what people do! I have been so foolish to expect & require perfection from everyone around me and myself. For years, I have been breaking hearts and driving the people I love the most AWAY from the Savior, because I inadvertently expected them to look exactly like Him when really I expected that I should look exactly like Him.

God is showing me (because I'm finally willing to see!!) that there is a huge difference between:
1) expecting/demanding consistent excellence from myself and others, and
2) striving toward becoming excellent in those areas where Jesus has called me while gently guiding and encouraging others to also strive toward excellence in those areas where Jesus has called them.

For instance:
Doing these things

• demanding my daughters have a perfectly clean room, flawless manners, and impeccably sweet attitudes all of the time only teaches my daughters that it's the outward appearance that matters.
• expecting myself to be able to maintain a perfectly clean home every single day only leave me feeling guilty and overwhelmed by my struggle with laziness - and may compel me to only worry about the surface cleaning - taking shortcuts to make sure everything looks okay at a first glance.
• requiring that my husband should always be completely loving - patience, kind, not arrogant, not rude, never failing - teaches him that I think he's a failure because he can't do what only Jesus can do.

...kills joy, love, peace, patience...you name it. No wonder I'm a drag to be around! Ugh!

But this approach

• extending grace to my girls when their room is not clean - maybe giving appropriate consequences when they trash the place but understanding that they are girls and they love to play with each other (and what a huge blessing that is!), or reminding them as many times as necessary to say thank you/please/excuse me/etc because love is kind, or remembering that even I don't have an impeccably sweet attitude all of the time and showing them what repentance looks like when I don't...that teaches them that the Lord cares about their hearts and how they treat others.
• giving myself grace when the dishes are still in the sink or the laundry is still in the washer, and just getting up every morning and trying for one. more. day. to battle the desire to be lazy, knowing that each small victory is a step toward excellence.
• encouraging Will to look to Jesus as the example while pouring grace and mercy all over his heart when he gets distracted...

fosters life - abundant life in Christ! - and growth in the Spirit.

Oh, Lord, I'm so slow, but I'm learning. I'm so sorry that I resisted Your way of grace for so long, to Will's grief and the girls' frustration, and to the hurt of my friends & family. Help me to let go of my deadly grip on intimidating perfection & my own excellence, and to lean hard on Your grace, Your compassion, and Your excellence. It's not my perfection in You that draws people; it's You loving me patiently in my imperfection that is most beautiful.

Seeking His excellence,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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A Post-Worthy Life

Here is a snippet of an email I received this morning from someone who is very close to me:

"What you are striving for, perhaps without realizing it, is a perfect post-worthy life. I believe you want to be able to marginalize the real bad stuff and exacerbate the trivial bad stuff in order to feign godliness and earn friends while stubbornly refusing to change or admit error so that you can bask in the glory of having been right all along..."

Ouch.

But there is truth to be gleaned from this. Social media has suckered me in, and appealed to my "people pleaser" side - I want people to like me. I want them to think well of me and the work that I'm doing. I do tend to leave out the unbecoming qualities, and post more of the Christ-like thoughts and plans and happenings than anything else. I am often stubborn and slow to see the plank in my own eye before I try to meddle with the speck in someone else's. And the allure of proving that I'm right is strong.

And it shows. And I'm grateful that this close one brought it to my attention. It breaks my heart to think that my life would be the reason a person would reject Jesus - and I know it has been. too many times. For shame.

I don't want a post-worthy life, I want a gospel-worthy life.

Lord, keep transforming my heart & mind and forming my will until they look like Yours!!!

Praising God for the truths I need to hear,

even when they hurt,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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anguish...and hope! [Lamentations 3]

image from www.shellibourque.com

One of the first places I turn to is Lamentations 3:22-24 when my soul is troubled: "Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!' But I don't take the time to read what's around those verses. 

It's easy to search out verses that bring me peace, but I need to take in the whole counsel of God - not just the bits and pieces of passages that I find comforting. So I read most of the book of Lamentations (5 chapters - it's in between the books of Jeremiah and Ezekiel). Jeremiah wrote this lament over Jerusalem, and it's not uplifting at all, save the few verses in chapter 3. He describes the utter shaming of his people, his homeland; how the judgement of God had come upon them. He writes of starvation, death, destruction. Jeremiah is in anguish over the state of things - and that God has allowed these things. The first 20 verses of chapter 3 describe how the Lord has greatly afflicted Jeremiah. My eyes filled with tears for the hopelessness pouring off the pages. for the confusion. for the agony that he felt watching his people suffer for their sins. and then for the dread of what I know I deserve for my unfaithfulness to the Lord. Four and a half of the five chapters are painful to read!!

And then, this respite in a barren place:

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope!!
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I hope in Him!”
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man to bear
the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone and keep silent,
because God has laid it on him;
let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope.
Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him,
and be full of reproach.
For the Lord will not cast off forever.
Though He causes grief,
yet He will show compassion
according to the multitude of His mercies!
For He does not afflict willingly,
nor grieve the children of men.

He does. not. afflict. willingly. For all that befell the Israelites, and all that has come to me in the way of uncomfortable circumstances - God does not afflict willingly! He does not grieve my heart willingly. He IS merciful and compassionate, and it's easy enough to cling to just those few verses - but until His mercy is cast upon the somber and devastating backdrop of the wretchedness of my deeds and my sin and my unfaithfulness - it doesn't mean as much to me.

I need to be reminded often that I. am. depraved. Left to my own desires and wishes, I want what I think is best for me. When the Lord allows affliction, it's sometimes because He wants me to come to terms with my sin and cast myself again upon His mercies.

A little farther down, I see:
Who is he who speaks and it comes to pass,
when the Lord has not commanded it?!
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that woe and well-being proceed?
Why should a living man complain,
a man for the punishment of his sins?
Let us search out and examine our ways,
and turn back to the Lord;
let us lift our hearts and hands
to God in heaven.
[Lamentations 3:21-33,37-41]

Why should I complain when I see the consequences of my sin? It's true that Jesus Christ bore the punishment for my sins once and for all on the cross; but it is also true that when I sow sin in my life, I will eventually reap the consequences. God's grace may cover the due punishment for my sin, but it does not allow escape for the outcome.

Let me continually search and examine my ways, to see whether or not I am being selfish or seeking what the Lord says in any and all matters; Father, let me always turn back to You the instant I realize I'm beginning to turn away! Thank You that You are merciful, and Your compassions never fail; thank You that You are faithful to Your word regardless of how faithless and sinful I am!! Without the depths of my sin, I'd not appreciate the heights of Your forgiveness & love. Be it ever so, Lord!

Great is His faithfulness,
for His glory!
~Lisha



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sin. repent. repeat. (or: a brief update)

It's been a while since I've been able or have even wanted to sit here and write.

The Lord God Almighty has been faithful to our family, even as we have been so unfaithful to Him. And He has carried us for the last couple of weeks months years.

For those who are unaware, our oldest daughter had surgery in late November (see I did not sign up for this part! for the details). And 3 days later, we moved into a new home.

...December was a rough month for us, as E healed. So slowly. There were lots of rough days. I'll spare you the details, because if you've ever known anyone who had any kind of major surgery, you probably know the details. Will left his job the week before Christmas because he was offered a new job (which did not start until the first week of January).

Amidst the visible changes in my life, there is a much more intense change below the smiley surface. God is confronting and convicting me in a big way about my priorities.

and how i am not the believer that i think i am.
that i am not the believer that most people believe that i am.

and that is draining. and painful. and embarrassing.

it means getting up every morning and starting my day with my nose and my heart in the Word, begging Jesus to somehow give me the presence of mind for every moment of the day to choose what glorifies Him the most because that's not my default setting. even though I want to pretend that it is.

and it means that when i do not do what glorifies Him the most, that i weep, repent and ask Him for the forgiveness that knows no depth. and for the grace to choose better next time. both of which He joyfully extends.

and repeat

over (being snappy in my speech)
and
over (not giving my full attention to will when he's talking)
and
over (asking abby to bring me something that i forgot because i'm too lazy to get up)
and
over (shouting at hannah because she did something that annoys me even though it's not sinful)
and
over (wasting those five minutes 'just checking facebook real quick!' when i know i should be making lunch or supervising the girls' schooling)

until i crawl into bed, to thank Jesus with weary lips that His mercies will come new with the sunrise and that i'll get another chance to choose worship over worry and mercy over meanness and family over facebook.

not yet like Jesus,
but someday i will be-
for His glory
~lisha

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I trust you so much, but...

The surgery went well. E peacefully drifted off to sleep with Will by her side and she woke up with both of us right there. Her first words upon waking were "...I liked that." I asked "what did you like?" "...the surgery." Thank You, Lord, for sweet and funny answers to the prayers of our hearts.

image of a cecostomy port from wikipedia

We were in the hospital for the remainder of Friday and most of Saturday. The doctor was concerned about a few things and spoke of keeping us for an extra night. There was a lot of vomiting and other stuff (I'll spare you the details!) - it was a rough time for all of us. But E, through most of it, had a great attitude. Thanking the nurses, apologizing for screaming, being patient when the answers were not what she wanted to hear. I know she was a blessing to the nurses, housekeeping & food service staff, and to the doctors from the OR. 

Tonight was the first night that we had to flush her system out by hooking her up to the IV bag at home. The cecostomy site is still quite sore and there was a lot of screaming and crying. (Will has been amazingly patient and just incredible in his care of E. I am so thankful!)

Toward the end, when we were getting ready to change her back into a new diaper and get her ready for bed, and Will needed to remove some of the gauze from her wound, she said to him "Daddy? I trust you so much, but this really hurts." 

Well, if my own 6-year-old didn't just express the depths of my heart in ten quick words.

My Heavenly Father loves me fiercely. And sometimes, the things that are best for me are not fun or comfortable; sometimes they are painful. But He bids me to run to Him with my fears and problems and doubts and failings because He knows what's best and how to care for me when I'm afraid and sad. And the same way that E's body will be made stronger on the other side of the pain, so my Father knows my soul & character will be made more like Jesus when I've walked this journey alongside Will & E!

Daddy? I trust you so much, but this really hurts. 

Praise God for the way He speaks so poignantly through the lips of little ones.
How has He spoken to your heart through your children?

Trusting,

(and so grateful for E),

for His glory!

~Lisha

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Turn to Me!

"Now, therefore,” says the Lord,

“turn to Me with all your heart,

with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning!”

So rend your heart, and not your garments;

return to the Lord your God,

for He is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger, and of great kindness;

and He relents from doing harm!!

[Joel 2:12-13]

God has been doing a deep and mighty work in my heart lately.

He is teaching me (or, I'm finally realizing even though He's been showing me all along!) that I have been living:

1) acting like I have it all together, instead living honestly even when I don't;

2) serving my family because it's a necessary duty, instead serving my family joyfully because I love them;

3) wanting others to see how spiritual I am, instead of openly acknowledging that I am not unless I'm in Christ; and

4) feeling guilty under the weight of my sin instead of fearing the LORD in such a way that I do not choose to sin in the first place and accepting His total forgiveness.

It is a painful place for me to be. Daily I'm being reminded that I, apart from the redemptive work of Christ, am not.

Am not what?

complete. wise. mature. spiritual. loving. kind. joyful. patient. faithful. tempered in my appetites. an excellent wife. a dedicated mother. a decent friend. a decent human being.

Lest you think that I'm in a state of despair - read on! When the Lord chastens and humbles His daughter in such a way, it's because He loves me. Fiercely and completely. Enough to inflict a momentary hurt in exchange for eternal freedom. I hurt, but I know it's because I am loved by Almighty God. I know that this is a good pain to be experiencing. I am not hopeless! Sorrowful, ashamed, angry with myself at times - yes. But never hopeless. The joy that I have right now is that I can put full trust in Jesus and His Word. There will be exuberant joy afterward. But now, a quiet underlying joy that reminds me that He is molding me to be more and more like Jesus.

And here are the sermons and studies that God used powerfully to bring me to this place in my journey with Him:

Examine Yourself - Paul Washer

If My Words Abide In You - John Piper

Seeking Him

...and pretty much any of the Psalms and the book of Romans.

Humbled and clinging to Jesus,

for His glory!

~Lisha :)

For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;

You do not delight in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,

a broken and a contrite heart—

these, O God, You will not despise! [Psalm 16-17]

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God!, that you may obey His voice!, and that you may cling to Him!, for He is your life and the length of your days!!!!; [Deuteronomy 30:19-20]

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,

but fools despise wisdom and instruction. [Proverbs 1:7]

He must increase, but I must decrease. [John 3:30]

When pride comes, then comes shame;

but with the humble is wisdom. [Proverbs 11:2]

From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?” But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life!! Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!" [John 6:66-69]

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When I don't measure up to much

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When I don't fit in,

and I don't feel like I belong anywhere,

when I don't measure up to much in this life,

oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ!

['Forgiven', Sanctus Real]

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. [Ephesians 2:10]

For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, not of evil... [Jeremiah 29:11]

I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. [Psalm 139:14]

I am so grateful this morning that though I let my loved ones down on a regular basis, I do not have to 'measure up' to worship and love and follow the Lord. And that there is no checklist for what I need to accomplish for God for Him to continually pour out His love and mercy on me. Christ has taken all of the punishment and wrath that was due to me through His death on the cross - and I am free because of that to bask in the love and care of my God even in the midst of disappointing those around me.

Apart from the solid foundation of His grace and love, I would most certainly be a wreck through this season of life - I am reminded daily that I do not measure up to the standards of a good wife or mom or keeper of the home. So He bids me to come to Him and ask which areas I need to work on, and then gives the wisdom and grace and the change of heart to work on them. And it's easy to get overwhelmed, because the list is so long!, but He only asks for a bit at a time. And as I carry on through my day in prayer, He is faithful to encourage me with His Word and through dear friends and my dear daughters that He sees a difference. Where others don't, or won't, or can't see a change, He knows what's different and I know that the thoughts He thinks toward me are loving ones.

I never have to measure up to perfection in the eyes of the Lord. He desires that I try all that He asks of me with excellence, but not perfection. His love is unconditional toward me because I have placed my trust in Jesus and what His death accomplished, not because of what I can accomplish for Him! What a sweet relief to my weary heart! That I can go to church this morning and worship Him, with my failures and flaws, and trust that He will continue the good work He started in me and carry it through to completion throughout the rest of my life. That He will not abandon me or withhold His love from me when I don't meet His expectations.

When I don't measure up to much in this life,

oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ!!

Not measuring up to man's standards,

but still infinitely loved by the Lord,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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Broken Crayons

Elizabeth and Abby received four new boxes of crayons for Christmas. There are many things that I enjoy about life, and a brand new box of crayons is one of them. There is just something comforting about opening a new box that has nice, neat, unmarred, pointy crayons, with the paper intact, that brings a smile to my face. 

At our home, we keep all of our crayons in one of those old butter cookie tins (the blue one...you know which kind I'm talking about, right?) because it's easier to contain them all in that than for me to order each box by color every time the girls use them. As I was dumping all of the new, happy, perfectly good crayons into the tin, I thought "I'm going to use this opportunity to get rid of the broken crayons!" They are such an eyesore when you open the tin and they tend to get scattered, somehow, all over the house. And who really needs more than 200 crayons and crayon bits, anyway? 

Immediately after that thought, another thought gently spoke to my heart: "The broken ones are still useful." And so I, not wanting to throw away things that are still useful, sighed and put the broken ones back in the tub, and carried on with my day. 

As I pondered why in the entire world I was prompted to seemingly keep the broken crayons, I was also in the middle of reading a book called 'Open Heart, Open Home'. I've read it many times before, and it is a favorite of mine. It is about how to provide hospitality to a world full of people who are hurting. Who are broken. Kind of like those crayons I considered tossing. 

You know the kind of people I'm talking about. Chances are, whether or not you would admit, you are the kind of person I'm talking about. Like crayons, people get overworked, broken and misused. Sometimes they've been dulled by strain and overuse, and no one around will take time to sharpen them. Sometimes the outside layers get torn and no one is around to tape them up. Some people are mishandled, physically or emotionally, and they break in two. 

But, friends, the broken ones are still useful. How many 'broken crayons' do you know? If you know me, and I'm quite sure you do, you are friends with at least one broken crayon. Look around. Your life is full of them, I'll bet. But, the broken ones are still useful! 

Broken crayons are excellent for those rubby drawings - you know when you lay the crayon on its side and use it for a leaf or stone rubbing? They're also good to melt down to make a brand new crayon. Sometimes all you have to do is sharpen it a bit or wrap it in scotch tape to make it whole again. 

Broken people are just as beautiful and just as useful (and oftentimes moreso) than people who (seem to) have it all together. My friend, the Bible is rich with stories of broken people whom God used mightily. Look them up! 

Take some time to invest in the 'broken crayons' around you. Pick up the phone. Write a letter. Send a note on Facebook. Or, better yet, go see them in person if you can. God tells us to encourage one another and to love one another, even and especially in times of brokeness. Remind your husband, wife, children, parents, brothers, sisters, extended family, best friends, coworkers, and everyone you know that is experiencing the pain of being broken right now that they are still useful, indeed, and that the God who made them can restore them! 

And if you are the broken crayon that I'm talking about, let me just remind you, from one who has been broken (and whom God has had to tape back together many times!), that you are a treasure - even in your brokeness. Whether you are hurting physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally, God has so much in store for you. He made you with a purpose and you are not alone in your brokeness. I'm praying for you tonight, that you would know how unique and useful you are and how very much you are loved!!

Broken,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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a brief introduction.

Christmas is a glorious time of year. I enjoy almost every aspect of the season - decorating the house, getting together more often with family, Christmas cards, the music, snow, etc. It all brings back memories of being a child and the excitement & anticipation, and it tends to bring out the best in people (side note: someone recently commented that Christmas is the time of year when everyone acts the way they should act all the time.).

Over the past several years, I have gained a deeper appreciation of Christmas. It wasn't until I was introduced to the love of Jesus and was confronted with my sinful heart that I was able to grasp the significance of Jesus' birth.

One of my friends from my Keene days had a little sister who was very ill back in the fall semester of 01. She knew Jesus well, and a couple of months before she passed away she was willing to introduce me to Him. She (and her mom & sisters) shared His love and His mercy and His wisdom and His grace with me. It left me speechless. I was agnostic at the time; a liberally minded young woman who wanted nothing to do with the rampant hypocrisy of the church or the elitism of the evangelical crowd. The judgments I held toward Jesus' followers blinded me from getting to know Jesus. Her gentle introduction completely ruined the foundation of my life - because what I had been building my life on (success. popularity. power. good grades.) was sinking sand.

I mulled her words over for the next couple of months and was willing to accept that God existed and that Jesus had indeed come to earth to die a death for sin. But my sin? Really? I hadn't really done anything terribly wrong. I had hurt people; I told some lies; I had a manipulative streak. But so did other people. I didn't feel like I was any worse off than anyone I knew, and I certainly knew I was better than lots of other people. It took months for me to understand that the cost for any sin is spiritual death, and that each person who has ever walked the face of the planet (except Jesus) was a sinner, worthy of eternal death. Once I accepted that, and acknowledged how unworthy I was of God's love, I was able to then rejoice in the grace He extended by sending His Son, Jesus, to die in my place at Calvary.

My life has been turned upside down. All those things that I thought were so very important - having everyone like me, making everyone proud of me, following all the rules, having a great money-making career and an awesome house - that stuff is temporary. Jesus has given me the assurance that there is a better home that awaits me if I am willing to count the temporary stuff as just that and focus my energy on God and His eternal love for me and for everyone around me.

I hope you're able to better appreciate and understand why it is that Jesus' birth was so necessary and why it was such an occasion for praise and joy. Without His birth, His death could not have happened, and it is His death and resurrection that can give you the hope of eternal and abundant life. If you don't know Jesus well (and even if you do!), pick up a Bible and read it. Start with the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, but don't stop there. The Bible says that Jesus is the Word of God - you'll find His life and His love throughout each book and chapter. Get to know Him; He's a friend that will change your life forever.

[Sarah passed away a week before Christmas, 2001, a few months before her ninth birthday...I am grateful that she was willing to reach out and give hope to me, even though she had never met me before and didn't see me again before the Lord called her home. I am looking so forward to seeing her in heaven and getting to sit at the feet of Jesus with her!]

Introducing others to Jesus,

for His glory!

~Lisha

It is better to give than receive. Really!

This year, I finally got to go on the JBC Ladies' Retreat. It is a weekend that I have looked forward to for two years now; a chance to leave Will & the girls at home and spend more than 15 minutes (like I do every Sunday after church!) chatting with and being encouraged by the ladies that I have gone to church with for the last 7 years. 

Expectations for a life-changing weekend were high. Every retreat/conference type meeting I have been to since I accepted Jesus as my Savior has excited me and revolutionized my life. So I couldn't wait for what God was going to show me. I packed my Bible and my notebook, my hopes and expectations, my Keene State hoodie and two favorite blankets (hey! it's getting cold out!!), other necessary going-away-for-a-weekend type things, and an Iced Coffee...away I went! 

The woman who spoke did a marvelous job. She is so concise and clear when she speaks. God has given her the ability to communicate His truth to women, in both large groups and in a one-on-one setting. I am so thankful for her in my life!! I was so ready to receive whatever nuggets of amazing truth God had laid on her heart. 

The first session was focused on why and how various trials come into our lives. Sometimes our trials are to strengthen our character and our faith; sometimes it's so that people can look at us and notice the love, joy and peace of Christ in the midst of hardship; sometimes it is so that we can reach out to others who are going through what we've already experienced; always it is for us to glorify the Lord. Trials can come from Satan, but that is not always the case. Sometimes, our own blatant disobedience can result in trials, and sometimes the Lord Himself allows us to go through trials to cause us to become more like His Son. (Lisha's short n sweet version...the real thing was much better!) 

...and to be so very honest, I didn't really feel that I needed to be told that. No big revelation there, Lord. I'm in the middle of it. God has been good to show me different reasons why He has given and taken my youngest child from me. 

But there were two more sessions, and 24 more hours! Plenty of time for a life-changing moment!! 

I got to meet some godly women that I didn't really know that well while we had dinner (and it was a fabulous dinner!). Then, off to the next session! The message was about how very, very, very much God loves me. 

...and I was slightly disappointed. "God," went the one-sided conversation, "I didn't need to be reminded of that, either. Really. I have been overwhelmed by the depth of Your love that You have poured out on me through my friends and family in these last few weeks. I know You love me. I have not doubted that. When am I going to get my life-changing message? What do you have to teach me this weekend? Is there something I'm just missing?" 

The evening was fun. We did lots of crafty activities. I learned how to make lip balm and bath salts and we made pancake, cookie, and soup mixes to take home, followed by ice cream sundaes and about 3 hours of chatting about amusing high school memories with one of the ladies that I went to CHS with, mixed in with conversations with the "younger women" (not really part of that crowd anymore! Eeek! :-O ) about their life dreams and ambitions. Overall it was a great evening! 

6:00AM came, and I was awake for it. (WHAT?! My weekend away from the kiddos...who usually sleep in until 9:30...and I was up at 6, on my own?! Gooooooooood gravy!) I laid in bed, trying to thank God for being able to watch the sky lighten up, and my heart, mind and spirit were confuzzled about all of the things I had been pondering the previous day. 

There was a prayer walk (which turned into a prayer sit on the rocks, because the grass was so wet and cold that our shoes got soaked through!) which was beautiful and breakfast which was oatmeal. (Did you know that people make their oatmeal with milk instead of water? That was something I did learn this weekend. Hmm.) Session three focused on the story of the prodigal son (see Luke 15 if you're not familiar with the story). We focused on the reaction of the father and the older son to the actions and return of the younger (prodigal) son. I learned a couple of interesting facts, and gained a new perspective of a story I've read a few times. But there was no "OOOOH! I get it now!!" moment. "Golly," I thought, "should I have even come?" 

During our down time that followed lunch (um. I almost choked at lunchtime. Praise God for putting some nurses at my table. Like, 3 of them! Two on either side of me and one on the other side of the table! Really! Slightly embarrassing, choking on a wayward crouton. But I digress.), I was speaking with a lady who is very dear to me, and has known me much longer than I've been a Christian. I was telling her about my lack of "aha!" moment and how I was waiting for it. She mentioned that sometimes, in her experience, that moment won't hit for days, maybe weeks. Months. Years. Quite concievably there will be a season in my life when I don't see why God has brought a certain trial to my life, or maybe that I could forget just how much God loves me, and I will remember what I have heard here. 

Ok. I could believe that. But I was still bummed that my life hadn't been changed much. I didn't feel like I had gotten much out of the weekend. 

We gathered for our last session, which was a time to share anything we wanted about the weekend. I had heard that last year's reflection time was outstanding and moving, and so I was anticipating my aha moment here. There were meaningful lessons shared. I was thankful to hear what God had done in other hearts, but still I didn't hear anything that I really, deeply related to. 

We packed up and left. It was a quiet ride home for me. I mulled things over, replayed the weekend in my mind, and tried so hard to figure out what I had learned. And I couldn't come up with anything. The fault had to lie with me, because, you understand, God is perfect in all His ways, and I am not. Thus, if I felt I was missing or lacking, one of two things was happening: 1) God had provided all that I was lacking, and I had utterly missed it, or 2) what I thought I was lacking, I wasn't actually lacking at all. (Does that make sense? I hope so; it makes sense to me.) 

So...fast forward to about 10pm last night. The girls were in bed, so Will and I finally were talking about our weekends without being interrupted! I unloaded all that was on my heart about the retreat, and in doing so, I was gently reminded of a saying that one of our dear friends had shared with us a few weeks ago. It is something to the effect of: We shouldn't be going to church (or in my case, a retreat) to get anything. People who go to church (retreats) looking for something usually end up unfulfilled. You go to give. Give God the worship He deserves for the work He is doing in your heart. Give others the encouragement they might need. Give others a compassionate shoulder to cry on. Give tired moms a break. Give of your time and service to nourish weary bodies and souls. Jesus didn't come to get. Jesus came to give. God gives us all good things, not because He gets, but because He loves us. 

And then I felt really stupid. I had totally gone with the intention of getting, and did not even think about what I could be giving. There are women who spent their whole weekend giving, and you could tell by Sunday evening because their physical apprearance practically screamed at me how tired they were but they were rejoicing at how awesome the weekend was. 

So I've been feeling stupid for pretty much all day today, having this conversation with the Lord that goes on and on, and like this: "Sooooo, now, Lord, I feel like I wasted a weekend to serve You because I was so self-absorbed in my trial and in how much You love me that I forgot to pass it on!" and He, being the patient and merciful God that He is, has been speaking to my heart all day: "I still love you. Take what you learned and start passing it on, right now. Start giving; it's not too late!" 

As I was tucking Elizabeth and Abby in, I got my big aha! moment. I let God prompt me to hold each of them so close and tell them how much God loves them. That He will never, ever, leave them, no matter what bad choices they make, no matter how many times they sin, no matter where they are. That they can never, ever get away from how much Jesus loves them. That the same God who created all of heaven and earth created Elizabeth Grace and Abigail Ruth fearfully and wonderfully. I got to pass on that which I already knew, that I have known for so long, but had never really taken the time to pass it on to my babies because I took that knowledge for granted. I needed this weekend to be reminded that I have been given the responsibility to share His love with two precious little girls who need to know His unconditional love toward them! 

Mommy, E, & A...Spring 2010

I'm glad to report then, that my weekend, though it may have seemed it at the time, was indeed not a waste. Many, many thanks to a God who is gracious and merciful, abounding in love and slow to anger with me!! And thanks to the beautiful and godly women who let God work through them in a powerful way, whether or not they can see it now. Thanks for passing on God's love and for being His hands, His feet, His heart, and His eyes! May God continue to renew and rejuvenate your hearts this week. Thanks for speaking the truth, in love, to a heart that needed to hear it. To God be the glory! :) 

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." 
-Romans 5:1-5

Tough Lessons

There is a lot of stuff going on in my heart and in my mind lately. Some days are fabulous, and by fabulous I mean that there's not a lot of crying and I'm able to function quasi-normally. Some days are fabulous, and by fabulous I mean that friends show up at my door with iced coffee or coolattas. Most days, however, are marked by a copious amount of tears and mood swings that can make New England weather seem pretty stable. 

God is using this time to do some major heart renovations. Even though it's painful and thoroughly unpleasant sometimes, I know that on the other side of it I'll be grateful for the 'refiner's fire!' 

Getting my weight under control has been one thing that God has really been prompting me to do - for quite some time. Since Elizabeth was born 3 1/2 years ago, I have gained almost 40 pounds, which is about 80 pounds heavier than any doctor would tell me is remotely healthy. About 3 months before we found out we were pregnant, I had really gotten quite serious about losing weight, and had lost about 20 pounds. Mostly through exercising and eating healthy and eating the correct portions (moderation?! Go figure!...) I did not really enjoy any of it, though. Except that I was more able to fit in some of my pre-Abby pants. 

Last week, while I was trying to get back into the exercise routine, and I was complaining and trying to coax God to help me lose weight faster, He put a verse on my heart that I know and I've heard many times and even been more than happy to repeat to Will in many instances: "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ." [Colossians 3:23-24] 

Whatever you do. That includes, but is not limited to: losing weight, scrubbing the toilet, cleaning up poopy diapers, getting up at 1am...and 4am...and 5am...and 6:30am...with sick children to change bedsheets and diapers and jammies, doing dishes, reading to the kids, grocery shopping, and breaking up sibling fights (which can be awfully nasty!) So, in a few moments, I realized that my attempt at losing weight was futile, if it wasn't being done for the Lord. My motives were wrong. I wanted to lose weight so I could have more kids and the pregnancies would be healthier. That's not a bad bonus, but it shouldn't be the whole motive. 

The last couple of days, then, have been a little more enjoyable. As I'm faced with choosing healthy food or...say...cake (as many of you know, my husband is a cake-a-holic, and we always seem to have plenty of it in this house, which is not always entirely my fault!!!), or when I am contemplating whether or not I should exercise, being reminded that my ultimate goal is to take care of this body that the Lord has blessed me with makes those choices easier. So...here we go, Lord...20 down, a lot more to go! :) 

The other major renovation He is doing in my life is in regard to my children. Since I was about 12, I have always wished for lots of children, and especially after Will & I got married, I have said to the Lord on multiple occasions something like: "Lord, my desire is to have lots of children so that they can live lives that honor You!" and in the last few days the Lord has gently pointed out that that's really prideful. Like "Hey, Lord, aren't you so proud of me, that I'm willing to sacrifice my body and its ability to function normally so that You can have more kids on the earth who just love You so much? Isn't that amazing? I'm pretty awesome that way. Can you bless us with more kids? Twins, even? Triplets? Could I please be like Michelle Duggar?? [Note: she is the woman from the TLC show "18 & counting" that has 19 children!]" For a long time, my relationship with the Lord fluctuated based on whether or not I was pregnant or just had a baby. It's hard not to feel ashamed when I realize that my joy in the Lord was not necessarily what He had done for me on the cross, but what He was doing for the size of my family. 

God is showing me how to be content with the size of my family now. As I was reading and praying the other night, He spoke in the stillness of my heart that if He only ever gives me these two children, I need to be content with that. He is not concerned with the number of children Will & I have; He is concerned that we are willing to raise whatever children He gives us for His glory and in His nurture and admonition. What a freedom that realization has been over the last couple of days! 

This miscarriage, then, has been one of the most important events of my life. God has brought me face-to-face with two sins that I have been either ignorant of or unwilling to deal with for a long time, and I have found more joy in worshipping Him for who He is, not just for all the great things He's doing for me. 

Here is Psalm 66. I was reading it the other night. How timely and beautiful God's Word is, and how wonderful when I finally lay down my pride and allow His Word to teach and refine my heart! Enjoy! 

Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth! 
Sing out the honor of His name; 
make His praise glorious. 
Say to God, 
“How awesome are Your works! 
Through the greatness of Your power 
Your enemies shall submit themselves to You. 
All the earth shall worship You 
and sing praises to You; 
they shall sing praises to Your name.” Selah 

Come and see the works of God; 
He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men. 
He turned the sea into dry land; 
they went through the river on foot. 
there we will rejoice in Him. 
He rules by His power forever; 
His eyes observe the nations; 
do not let the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah 

Oh, bless our God, you peoples! 
And make the voice of His praise to be heard, 
who keeps our soul among the living, 
and does not allow our feet to be moved. 
For You, O God, have tested us; 
You have refined us as silver is refined. 
You brought us into the net; 
You laid affliction on our backs. 
You have caused men to ride over our heads; 
we went through fire and through water; 
but You brought us out to rich fulfillment. 

I will go into Your house with burnt offerings; 
I will pay You my vows, 
which my lips have uttered 
and my mouth has spoken when I was in trouble. 
I will offer You burnt sacrifices of fat animals, 
with the sweet aroma of rams; 
I will offer bulls with goats. Selah 

Come and hear, all you who fear God, 
and I will declare what He has done for my soul. 
I cried to Him with my mouth, 
and He was extolled with my tongue. 
If I regard iniquity in my heart, 
the Lord will not hear. 
But certainly God has heard me; 
He has attended to the voice of my prayer. 

Blessed be God, 
who has not turned away my prayer, 
nor His mercy from me!