You just don't understand!

Photos from E's surgery 11/2012

A phone call came today.

It was supposed to bring relief and hope. Confirmation of good news and the fresh start for my daughter.

...but in just a few seconds, it deflated my spirit. It was not the news we had hoped for. I wept bitterly and had to run to my bedroom at the back of the house so the girls wouldn't see me clench my fists while my tears rolled off of my cheeks. And before I knew it, these words escaped out from under my breath:

God...You...just...don't...understand. We have walked through so much this year. These past few years. I was led to believe that this phone call would bring a break. A chance to breathe a little. 

And I cried. While the girls were oblivious and contentedly playing the piano in the den, I cried. Then, when I'd thrown my pity party, I sat quietly.

Then came a firm but gentle reminder:

You can say a great many things in times of discouragement and trouble, My child, but you may not say that I do not understand what you are going through.

And a long silence. The sting of conviction. The shock of what just was spoken in haste. The terror of accusing God that He is not compassionate or wise.


A confession: I know, Lord. Forgive me.


He does understand. Oh, He understands exactly. He understands even better than I do. Because He's been with me for all of it. He brought to mind a flood of verses:

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
{Hebrews 4:14-16}

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
{Psalm 23:4}

Be strong and of good courage, and do it; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord God—my God—will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you, until you have finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord...
{1 Chronicles 28:20}

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
{Isaiah 41:10}

“Because he has set his love upon Me,
therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him,
and show him My salvation.”
{Psalm 91:14-16}

*This was this morning's reading with my daughters.
Before I knew what the day would bring*
Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
{Matthew 6:25-33}

...and this song. He asked me to cry out, that He would be my hiding place. Not to run from Him in confusion, but run to Him and find shelter in His love and protection. So that I can teach my little girls to do the same as this path unfolds before us.

Last week, I shared a bit of my current bout of spiritual apathy, and then Sunday I shared how God had kindled hope in my soul and sparked feeling in my heart once more. Today, He has me back in a familiar place: totally dependent, desperate to know Him more and cling to Him. It's not wrapped in the sparkly gift bag of joy and happiness that I wished for, but He has given me a merciful gift by rousing me suddenly from my I-don't-care attitude.

My little girl has a longer road on this journey than we thought. And His grace, which has sustained us thus far, will continue. This moment, tomorrow, and forever. Even when I am so quick to forget and go into panic mode.

So, if you need us anytime soon, we'll be in hiding. Under the shadow of the Almighty. If you are going through a hard time right now, you should come hide, too.

Hiding in Him tonight,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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