How do I make much of You, Jesus?

I do my best writing for the blog late at night. Inspiration, for me, usually comes between 11pm and 2am. It's been that way for as long as I can remember.

Lately? Nothing. No inspiration. It's been so frustrating. It's either write something half-hearted to get a post out on time or go for weeks without posting, dreaming of and hoping for an amazing post that will bless the socks off my sweet readers.

Father, why? I want to make much of You and what You are doing in my life! I want to share it! You're doing so much - why can't I write well? Why can't I get these thoughts out coherently?

My daughter, make much of Me by spending time with Me in the morning and letting the overflow of My Word and My presence season your relationships for that day. One moment, one choice at a time. Start there, and let Me choose how to use that. Your heart is precious to Me, child - more precious than your writing style. And then, just write. You don't have to be witty or well-polished. Just share.

How can I make much of Jesus?
-Meditate on the verses that declare how glorious He is! (They're all over the place! I mostly am fond of the Psalms, Revelation, Nehemiah, Job, Isaiah, John, and Romans - but seriously. He's glorious from Genesis to Revelation)
-Sing His praises throughout the day as I care for my daughters and our home!
-Fill my heart and my mind with His Words. They are always words of life, peace, and assurance. Writing verses on index cards and taping them up in prominent spots helps me memorize.
-Share all of the above with my sweet girls, and as much as I'm able with Will when he gets home.
-Then, whenever God brings someone else into my path that day, be ready to share the love and truth He has imparted that day, and trust Him to work out the rest.


Here's a partial list of what He's working on in me right now:
1) He's challenging me to ask Him to show me where I have unconfessed and unrepented of sin - and to confess and repent! There's a boatload. And it's like a kid peeling a Band-Aid so slowly off of a hairy patch on her forearm. Each time I make a little inroad to dealing with one thing, He reveals something else that I need to deal with and it hurts like the dickens.
2) I drag my feet too much when He says 'obey'. "Call that person and ask for forgiveness, Lisha." "...Lord, how about I just Facebook them?" "...No. Just call." Blurghhhhh. He treasures immediate obedience over doing something with style or for convenience.
3) If I am not glorifying Jesus in my marriage - if He is not pre-eminent in all my thoughts, words, and actions toward Will - He is not being fully glorified in my life. No matter how much of a disciple I appear on the outside. White. washed. tomb. Hi, yes, that's me.
4) The longer I walk with Him, the more sinful I realize I am. When I first started following Jesus 12 years ago, I thought for sure by now I'd have the hang of this Christian Living thing. Nope. I'm realizing I am capable of more depravity than I ever realized. And it's only by Jesus' restraining graces that my sin doesn't manifest itself more outwardly.
5) Some of the most painful and pressing times I've experienced in the last year are a direct result of my own sinfulness in years past - not necessarily because of someone else's poor or foolish choices. Though Christ has paid for the sins, God has not released me from dealing directly and painfully from the consequences of those sins (although He does give grace to walk through the consequences). I am not 'suffering for Christ's sake' in most cases; I am suffering because of my own stupid choices years ago.
6) He is calling me to freedom and to recognize the liberty I have because Jesus has already suffered the wrath of God on my behalf, and when I believe discouraging thoughts, it is an affront to the Lord. Even though I have done nothing to earn the favor of God, He has freely bestowed it and I should graciously live like I believe it. I am no longer a slave to sin; I am a bondservant of the Lord Jesus.
7) I am selfish. SO SO SO SO SO selfish. Die to self, Lisha. Over. and over. and over. Follow My example - willing to die to your dreams, your plans, your convictions, your wants, if it means the Father gets the most glory.
8) I like to think I'm willing to let God do whatever will bring Him the most glory in my life, but the truth is that I secretly want to 'choose the scene of my martyrdom' (Oswald Chambers) by telling the Lord how I would be able to praise Him in specific hard situations instead of giving Him the freedom to do whatever He needs to do, no matter the immediate or long-term cost.

Jesus did not come to make much of me. He came to make much of His Father by His obedience. and if I want to make much of Him in all areas, I must follow. Let this be a reminder:

I want to make
much of You, Jesus
I want to make
much of Your love
I want to live today
to give You the praise
that You alone are so worth of!
I want to make
much of Your mercy
I want to make
much of Your cross
I give You my life:
take it, and let it be used to
make much of You

Making much of Jesus,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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Blogging about life, or living to blog?

 *click*

*click*

*click* *click* *click*

{that was the sound of me, playing with the new camera we got for Christmas, while we were out on a family walk}

"Lish, I love you.

...but don't be that person."

"...? Hmm?"

"Don't be like that. The person who is so busy taking pictures of everything and wanting to blog about it and not just enjoying us."

"Oh."

Quietly, I placed my camera in my coat pocket and tried to be 'all there' for the rest of our walk. It was a gorgeous January afternoon (Sunny! Not snowing! Crisp, but not cold!), and Will got home from work early that day, and wanted to take a family walk. A walk that included all of us enjoying the moment - not four of us enjoying it and one lagging behind to capture it for a post about family time.

It was hard to be "all there". Sometimes, as a mom who blogs, I think about things in terms of "how do I chronicle this?"

Recipes = do I need to take pictures at various stages?
Homeschooling = should I snap a photo of this experiment-gone-wrong?
Homemaking = ooh! Neat trick...grab the camera!
Field trips = play-by-play in photos of the whole experience!
...and so on.

and I'm guilty of interrupting the moment, just to capture it on film...instead of seriously drinking it in.

Jesus did not come that I might blog abundantly. He came so that His glory would be on display in my life - by giving me thousands of opportunities to live abundantly.

When my blogging about life becomes my living for the blog....something's very off.

Do you blog about life, or live for your blog? How do you balance it?

Learning to blog about life,
and not live to blog,
~Lisha

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When Life Doesn't Go As (I) Planned

Will got some unexpected news this week from work. Not terrible, but it was a big. old. bummer, and it was not what he wanted to hear.

The turn of events was not part of our short-term plans.

My initial reaction?

Anger.
The kind that brings irrationally hot tears and teeth-clenching.

Why?

Because I know how passionate and how excellent my husband has been at his job. And the news that came was, to me, totally and completely unfair. "Lord," I thought, "why this? Why now? Haven't we been through enough? Couldn't You have just allowed this to work?!"

and, if I had to be honest,

I was angry because my idea of what is best for Will and our family had been overturned. I am not. getting. my. way.

Will's response - a calmer, cooler "I'm not going to get worked up over it; I won't even know more until Monday" (even though he was shaken up by it all) - was much wiser than mine. And even that irritated me. (Is it just me, or do people with more self-control seem more obnoxious when I am in the middle of a tantrum?)

"Stand up for yourself!" I wanted to say. "Don't let yourself give in to this! It's stupid! How can they treat you like this! Fight back - rise up and fight for what you know you are worth!"

After biting my tongue and breathing deeply for a couple of minutes, I felt just like this:

For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 
{Romans 7:15-19}

My off-the-cuff actions give my true heart condition away: in me, nothing good dwells - just bitterness, a sense of vengeance, selfishness, and irrational anger. I know in my head that it is: a) wrong to react to something like this in anger, and b) not outside of God's total sovereignty [...you know, the kind that I wrote about just the other night?! Here?!]...so why? Why do I do it?

Because I am inherently sinful - from the womb, and because even though my sins were all paid for on the cross, I will struggle against sin for the rest of my life. Through Jesus, I can choose whether or not to sin; I am no longer a slave to it, but I still have to actively choose in each circumstance how I'm going to react or act. And sometimes (too often) - I allow sin to have the temporary victory.

I have to train my head and my heart to react in pressure situations - train them to react in a way that absolutely honors the Lord.

What I will to do, that I do not practice - but it doesn't let me off the hook from trying to practice even after my 1,000,000th fail.

Here's what I *should* do when something starts to rile my emotions and I'm not getting my way:

1) PRAY. Short and sweet if need be! 'Jesus, help me by reminding me that You are in control, even of this!"

2) PROCLAIM the truth of the Word. For me, it helps if I read it out loud! Here are some that I have written in strategic places all over the house to turn to at a moment's notice:

 

3) PRAISE. I want to undermine whiny, self-centered thoughts. Praising the Lord fills my heart, mind, and home with the reminder that He's got this, and that He's awesome at all times, no matter what happens.

After the reassurance of my calm husband, the Lord & His Word, and my sweet Titus 2 mentor - I was able to calm down. To breathe peacefully, and cast this care upon the Lord. And able to try to encourage my husband to wait on the Lord, rather than tell him to do something unwise (run ahead of the Lord to fight on his own merit, and/or hit people).

I have no idea what Monday will bring, except the continued reassurance and hope that God is always revealing His greatness & goodness in all situations. Even the ones I didn't plan for.

Where do you turn in the Word when life doesn't go as planned?

Praying, proclaiming, and praising,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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Top Ten Posts of 2013!

Here are the top ten most-read posts of 2013. If you have liked, shared, commented on, or pinned any of these best-loved posts, I am grateful! Thank you!

#10 - Haven or Hollywood? (Pin it!)

#09 - How to Deal with the Fools in Your Life! (Pin it!)

#08 - Our Afternoon Routine (Pin it!)

#07 - Take cover! (Pin it!)

#06 - Confession of a messy mom. (Pin it!)

#05 - Unfulfilled Dreams? (Pin it!)

#04 - You just don't understand! (Pin it!)

#03 - Teaching children to sit through church (Pin it!)

#02 - No wonder she's not listening (Pin it!)

and the most-read, best-loved post of 2013...

#01 - Our Morning Routine (Pin it!)

Thank you all! I am waiting with great expectation for the lessons the Lord has for me to learn & share in 2014!

Writing as He moves me,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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Sometimes, I Microwave The Veggies

Sometimes,

I microwave the veggies. And...
I use boxed potatoes when I need them mashed.
And I buy pre-cooked bacon.
If the girls didn't get their clothes really dirty...I let them fold them up and put them back in the drawer.
...and if we aren't going anywhere, I call 'jammie day' and don't even ask them to get dressed.
Baby wipes make great emergency bathroom sink wiper-outers. And counter-wipers. And table-wipers, and spill-wiper-uppers, and good I don't-have-time-to-bathe-you cleaners...
Dusting sometimes has to happen on accident. Like, if I'm wearing socks and the floor is dusty.
Sorting the laundry into darks & lights? Yeah, not so much.
Sometimes "baking" with my daughters means dumping something out of a box and mixing it with an egg or two, water, and maybe oil and/or applesauce.

Bacon = baked, from lunch.
Potatoes & Peas = boxed & canned, microwaved, from dinner.
The girls needed a lot of attention concerning their
rudeness toward each other today - lots of shortcuts at our house!

My heart holds many dreams. One is the dream of growing most of our own food, living in a little farmhouse on acres and acres of open space, preparing all of our food from scratch and having a home full of sweet littles & biggers who help me keep home a bright, orderly, organically clean haven.

Those are good dreams, and worth hoping for and working towards. But somedays,

getting hung up on that dream

d
r
a
i
n
s

me. And that is not healthy for my family.

With my days being full of homeschooling, caring for my 3 daughters & Elizabeth's health needs, managing our home, and desperately trying to be the wife that my husband needs and often falling short (in all of those areas), I cannot live in my dream world of totally wholesome food or cleaning everything non-toxically most of the time. Not now.

Perhaps in another season, it will work and little by little I strive toward that 'self-sufficient' homemaking realm. But God calls me to be content and faithful where He's got me, this day. and sometimes that means taking shortcuts in homemaking so that I can spend time making sure the hearts of my husband and my daughters are spiritually healthy. Making small concessions every now and again more often than I care to admit in the do-it-all-from-scratch mindset actually goes a long way toward the overall health of my home and the dear ones in it. And not holding on to the guilt of making shortcuts goes a long way toward my overall health.

I don't make all of those shortcuts a habit (...not sorting the laundry is definitely a habit though. for real. and probably for life.). But when the best thing for my family is to pull out the potato flakes and whip up 'mashed potatoes' in under 5 minutes so that I can spend extra time addressing a little girl's daily struggle with selfishness or to really listen to how my husband's day was - I let my hope of serving freshly peeled, boiled, mashed, pinterest-worthy potatoes go. For the health of my family.

What shortcuts do you take once in a while in your home-making?

Using the boxed potatoes now and again,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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You just don't understand!

Photos from E's surgery 11/2012

A phone call came today.

It was supposed to bring relief and hope. Confirmation of good news and the fresh start for my daughter.

...but in just a few seconds, it deflated my spirit. It was not the news we had hoped for. I wept bitterly and had to run to my bedroom at the back of the house so the girls wouldn't see me clench my fists while my tears rolled off of my cheeks. And before I knew it, these words escaped out from under my breath:

God...You...just...don't...understand. We have walked through so much this year. These past few years. I was led to believe that this phone call would bring a break. A chance to breathe a little. 

And I cried. While the girls were oblivious and contentedly playing the piano in the den, I cried. Then, when I'd thrown my pity party, I sat quietly.

Then came a firm but gentle reminder:

You can say a great many things in times of discouragement and trouble, My child, but you may not say that I do not understand what you are going through.

And a long silence. The sting of conviction. The shock of what just was spoken in haste. The terror of accusing God that He is not compassionate or wise.


A confession: I know, Lord. Forgive me.


He does understand. Oh, He understands exactly. He understands even better than I do. Because He's been with me for all of it. He brought to mind a flood of verses:

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
{Hebrews 4:14-16}

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
{Psalm 23:4}

Be strong and of good courage, and do it; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord God—my God—will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you, until you have finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord...
{1 Chronicles 28:20}

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
{Isaiah 41:10}

“Because he has set his love upon Me,
therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him,
and show him My salvation.”
{Psalm 91:14-16}

*This was this morning's reading with my daughters.
Before I knew what the day would bring*
Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
{Matthew 6:25-33}

...and this song. He asked me to cry out, that He would be my hiding place. Not to run from Him in confusion, but run to Him and find shelter in His love and protection. So that I can teach my little girls to do the same as this path unfolds before us.

Last week, I shared a bit of my current bout of spiritual apathy, and then Sunday I shared how God had kindled hope in my soul and sparked feeling in my heart once more. Today, He has me back in a familiar place: totally dependent, desperate to know Him more and cling to Him. It's not wrapped in the sparkly gift bag of joy and happiness that I wished for, but He has given me a merciful gift by rousing me suddenly from my I-don't-care attitude.

My little girl has a longer road on this journey than we thought. And His grace, which has sustained us thus far, will continue. This moment, tomorrow, and forever. Even when I am so quick to forget and go into panic mode.

So, if you need us anytime soon, we'll be in hiding. Under the shadow of the Almighty. If you are going through a hard time right now, you should come hide, too.

Hiding in Him tonight,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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When I just don't care

Have you ever been in a place where you feel apathetic to what God is doing in your life, or what He's trying to do in your life? I'm there. now.

It started with a desperate plea. "Jesus. Whatever You do, please don't let go of me. Just. don't. let. go. I'm prone to walk away from You. Don't let me do that." <---me, last January, after a few rough months.

And it dwindled to "Jesus. Whatever You do, please keep not-letting-go of me. Just. don't. let. go. I'm empty. Not growing, just barely surviving. And that doesn't really bother me right now. Please, don't let me do anything to dishonor You." <---me, a couple of weeks ago, after things just kept going from bad to worse after those few rough months.

2013 has gone down in the books as an agonizingly difficult year for my heart.

For a number of reasons. It doesn't matter terribly what they are. What matters is, what do I do when I am apathetic to whether or not I'm growing spiritually? Because right now, I don't care.

There have been times when I've been angry. frustrated. doubtful. worried. and at least I can say that I felt something during those days...but right now, there is nothing feely going on in my heart, as far as my relationship with the Lord goes. It's like a vacuum. I know it shouldn't be that way, and I know I don't want it to be that way. But I can't seem to break free of it, just yet.

As I'm slogging through my apathy, I've found that God has provided these boundaries for me as He is faithfully answering my prayer to not let go of me:

*Read anyway.*

Over the past couple of weeks, I do not feel like getting up and reading my Bible - in the morning or really at any time. I don't. I'd rather sleep in, or check to see if I have any new comments or messages or pins...anything else. But I get up, and read at least one verse from somewhere in the Bible. Psalm 13 is a favorite passage. If I can, I read whatever I choose out loud to the girls while they eat breakfast. It sort of keeps me accountable (because if I miss it - they notice).

My head knows lots of Scriptures. I know His promises and His admonitions. But that doesn't mean I can limp along on just what I've read before...He bids me to remind myself every day.

And somedays, I read and think "meh. I've read that before." But just maintaining the habit of reading will bear fruit. And I don't know if one simple verse will be the verse that He uses to spring my heart back to growing. He said that His Word will not return to Him void.

*Pray anyway.*

One of the most frustrating parts of praying is that I pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and....................

I feel like I'm talking to a wall because I don't see anything happening.

But He reminds me often - through my children saying "oh, but Mom, we need to pray", or by the verses I've hung up around the house - that He desires that I persevere in prayer. And, He can handle my honesty - my doubts, my frustration, my questions, my ugliest thoughts, and my confession of total disinterest right now. The truth is that He is a loving Father, and He wants to hear what's on my heart.

...but I do need to remember that while He is a loving God, He is a holy God and I need to share those things with reverence. Even though I don't feel that He's working, the truth is that He is, and He is sovereign.

And when I'm done pouring out my sorrows and hurts, I need to listen. That's part of prayer, too.

*Teach anyway.*

Every morning, we have Bible time and prayer & praise time. Even though I'm so tempted to let this slide and just let them pop in a movie while I have my coffee alone, God reminds me every morning that whether or not I want to, I have a responsibility to the girls to teach them the truths of God. So I use an excellent children's devotional (Leading Little Ones to God), and I pretty much just read straight out of it, along with a verse or two.

Teaching doesn't have to be formal, either. My girls have gotten more of a lesson than I will ever know on what it looks like for a woman to walk through a difficult time. And in spite of me, God is working on their hearts. I must continue to speak the truth into their lives even when I'm struggling to live it out.

{A note. There is a marked difference between a mom who demands one thing of her children and lives by an entirely different example, and a mom who strives alongside her children with gentle honesty, each falling at times and helping one another through the hard seasons.}

There are times when my girls would see me crying, and ask what was wrong, and I would pull them up into my lap and read a Psalm out loud to them. And I would spend time explaining that Mommy's heart is sad, and that God says that is okay and He listens, but that I still need to remember that He's good to me all of the time. They know I don't measure up - and they see me get up again and again by His grace and in His strength alone. Right now, I feel down for the count, and the girls have been sweet to use the verses and songs they know to help me. Teach anyway.

*Sing anyway.*

Right now, there are few praise songs that I want to sing. But it doesn't make their message less true. I have a short list of songs that gently help me to thank God for His patience with and love for me even in these barren times. Here is one that I have listened to every day for weeks:

"Though You Slay Me"

Shane & Shane ft. John Piper

*Fellowship anyway.*

Proverbs 18:1 says that a man who isolates himself seeks his own desire and rages against all wise judgment.

Whoa. That seems pretty harsh to me. Especially right now, because most days I'm content to be home and not bother people.

To cut myself off from other people who could encourage, build up, listen, or pray for me would be foolish. And God has provided people who check in, who call, who pray, who seem to not tire of asking me how I'm doing - and they really, actually, truly want to know the honest answer. They aren't scared off by my "meh"-ness, or by tears of frustration with myself...because many of those He's put in my path have been there and can remind me that this is just a season.

In Exodus 17, Moses is standing on a hill while the Israelites are fighting a battle. As long as his hands are lifted in the air, Israel is victorious; when he lowers his arms, the enemy starts gaining the upper hand. After a while, his arms are feeling understandably heavy - and two men come alongside him and hold up his arms, that the battle might be won by Israel. I tear up now, even thinking about that story, because it is the picture God gives me when a friend calls me up just to ask how I'm doing, or when a lady from church stops by with dinner 'just because', or when my parents, brother, or close friends let me know that they are here. They are lifting up my arms toward heaven until this battle is over and I am rejuvenated in my spirit.

It is necessary that when I want to cut myself off from others, I remember that interaction with others is important. Not only for my encouragement, but to help me get my mind out of my own pity-party and focus on the needs and struggles of people I know. This journey He's called me to, with the events of the year, is not only about me. It's about how He is working through my life to make much of His might, love, and patience.

*Obey anyway*

This is probably the most difficult one right now.

Obedience is not based on my circumstances. Even when I don't care about my own spiritual growth, it is vital that I obey the words of my Lord.

In fact, if the Bible is only obeyed when times are good and I'm feeling in tune with God - then it is not, in fact, obedience. Choosing to obey in spite of how I feel (or don't feel, in this case) is sometimes a hard choice. No, I don't feel like being kind. No, I don't feel like hoping all things. No, I don't feel like giving thanks in all circumstances.

But He wants obedience.

And He gives me the fortitude to obey; and when I choose to disobey (which is too often), He gives me extravagant grace when I come back and confess that I messed up.

...All of this doesn't mean that I never have moments of genuine feeling. Oh, I do - on both ends of the spectrum!! It just means that in general, I'm having a rough time right now. When I post verses, songs, thoughts, etc, it's because they've stirred my heart and I need to share that. I realize that to some, doing all these things anyway when I don't feel it could seem cold and calculated, but it's really an act of trust. I believe that as I press on in spite of being stagnant that there will come a time of tenderheartedness and rejoicing before the Lord. I'm not there yet.

Apathy stinks. But I am grateful that I can stand on the rock of God's Word and not on the shifting sand of my own experiences & (lack of) feelings. This is just a season; it will pass. He will provide the strength to press on. But it in meantime, Jesus, please keep holding me close to You.

Following Him anyway,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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Unfulfilled dreams?

Photo credit: Molly Viglione Photography 2013
Sometimes I feel like a few of my big dreams have gone unfufilled,

but then I remember that God is not limited to my dreams for me.

Something that I've been wrestling is this:
would God give me a dream - a desire of my heart -  that He does not intend to fulfill?!

It's easy to run to a verse like Psalm 37:4 where it says 'He will give you the desires of your heart'. The old "build your theology around and hang your hopes on a single verse" - which is always, always a bad idea. Always. The idea that God is bound to give me whatever my little heart desires is just not in line with all the rest of Scripture. (Remember, Scripture also says the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things {Jeremiah 17:9}...so how do those two verses mesh?)

Without reading the verses around it, or taking in the whole counsel of God, I'd feel kind of iffy about God's ability to keep His Word, because truth be told, I have unfulfilled dreams in my heart.

At least, on the surface, I think I do. For example-

I want to be loved. I mean, LOVED!, by my husband. In the way that Christ loved His church and gave Himself up for her. I want to feel cherished, treasured, defended, taken care of, and valued - every day, all the time! But marriage has difficult seasons, and some days are just no-good and terrible. There have been years of our marriage when we have both felt lonely & empty for a myriad of reasons. It's not what either of us had dreamed up when we said we do for better or worse. But what about that longing to be loved? Has God forgotten about my heart?

Since I was in 4th grade, I've wanted to be a teacher. A middle school math teacher - yes, you saw that correctly. I am crazy, and I did write middle school math teacher. :) I taught in an excellent school for just 2 years before our oldest daughter was born. I have not regretted a day of being home with my daughters, but I often wish that I could have some way to connect with middle school students and impact their lives somehow in a school-type setting. God gave me the ability to teach - did He put me on the shelf when I started having children?

And I'd love to have a home full to bursting with little ones. Before Elizabeth was even thought of, I had a list of 14 names (first & middle) that I knew I just had to use some day. We've got three amazingly beautiful daughters, and one baby that we never really got to know. For now, three is just right; my days are full and resources seem limited with the ones we have - but I can't help the disappointment each month that comes when I realize that there will not be another little one, at least this time around. After almost a decade of being married, I'd hoped by now to have 5 or 6 sweet ones to kiss and squeeze and sing to and love on. God says over and over that children are a blessing, and I'm willing to receive as many as He'll give...why isn't He taking me up on that?

I've been praying for these dreams to come true for years. and that feels like a long time to wait!!

I was driving home from grocery shopping (alone) the other night and taking the opportunity to ask the Lord why, if He'd given me these desires, He wasn't fulfilling them. The desires I have are good ones, so how come my life doesn't look the way I think it should?!

My daughter, He started, you're not seeing everything the way I see it.

If you felt loved and secure all of the time by your husband, you wouldn't need to seek Me and My heart for you. You wouldn't depend on and abide in My love for you. I fulfill your desire to be loved when you spend time with Me and let Me remind you how precious you are. Don't look to man to love you - look to Me. And you'll be able to love him generously out of the overflow of My love, no matter what the years bring.

You are a teacher. I've given you three little girls who will one day be young ladies and they are learning from you, day in and day out. All those years of formal training were for a purpose. And I've placed you in a church with a thriving middle & high school outreach! I've given you the best of both worlds - you don't have to fill out report cards or attend staff meetings AND you get to impact the young ladies you love by speaking into their lives and taking them out for breakfast. And what about tutoring? I've given you that outlet so you can help them with math - while working from home.

And what's this talk about wanting more children? I've given you four - which is an infinite treasure!  If I never bless you with another, you have riches untold already. And how do you know I'm never going to call you to adopt, or foster, or carry another little one? There's still time! But not now, my dear. And what about all of the young ladies in your life whom you love like daughters? Just because they don't live under your roof doesn't mean you can't love them, too. 

Sometimes, He fulfills our dreams quite plainly for us. Or He may do it in a roundabout way {as we see it, anyway}. And then there are the times when He doesn't, because His purpose in not fulfilling that heart's desire is so that we'll remember that He should be the desire & delight of our hearts.

He keeps sending me back to Psalm 37:

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord,

trust also in Him,

and He shall bring it to pass.

{Psalm 37:3-5}

When I'm about the business of first trusting Him, then feeding on His faithfulness, and then delighting myself in Him alone...then He gives me the desires of my heart because my heart will be in line with His! And where there's a desire that seems to be forgotten, I can rest in the truth that He knows precisely what He's doing. For my good, and for His glory...{see Romans 8:28}

Learning to delight in Him
and rest in His plan,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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Two Big and Really Important Things

Two Big and Really Important Things that I needed to confront head-on today:

#1) I will let people down. No matter what you think of me, or how much you love me (or don't). I have before, and I will again. Too many times to count.

My temper will be short at a time when you need encouragement.
I will break a promise.
My words will shatter your day.
A decision I make, no matter how much prayer and thought I put into it, will leave you baffled or bewildered.
I will forget about plans I made with you.
My bad day will spill over into your world and dampen it.

Why? '...all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.' [Romans 3:23]. I am included in that 'all'.

A corollary to Big and Really Important Thing #1: People will let me down sometimes. For some or all of the above reasons.

#2) God will not let you down. No matter what you think of Him, or how much you love Him (or don't). He has never, nor will He. His record is impeccable.

He is patient and ready with a loving word. {Psalm 145:8, Zephaniah 3:17}
He never breaks His promises. Not one. {Deuteronomy 7:9, Daniel 9:4}
His Words are meant to help you grow in truth & grace. Sometimes they sting a bit, but it's always for your good. {John 17:17, 2 Peter 3:18, Proverbs 27:6}
His decision will also sometimes leave you baffled and bewildered, but because He is totally trustworthy, you can stand fast on the fact that it's the best decision. {Isaiah 55:8-9}
He never forgets His plans for you. And His plans are perfect. {Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 139:13-16}
He doesn't ask you to bear the brunt of all of the sorrow He carries. {Matthew 11:28-30}

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There has been an overwhelming sense of relief in remembering those two truths today. The people-pleaser in me cringes at the thought that I have disappointed others so; and sometimes I wallow in bitterness when others let me down; the reality I need to cling to is that I do disappoint, and so do those I love. But God never fails nor forsakes! And that is why it is SO crucial that I place my trust in God alone, and invite others to do the same by the way I live.

When you let me down - know that my job is not to judge or condemn, it's to forgive liberally and point you to Jesus. Don't let fear keep you away from me.
When I let you down - please, please pray that God would move my heart to confess any sin and seek forgiveness. And please, with grace & mercy, let me know. You are not letting me down when you encourage me to be more like Jesus.
And when all the letting down is done, we can rejoice together that God has not let either of us down. Nor will He. Ever.

Rejoicing that God never fails,
even when I do,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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Confession of a messy mom.

I'm going to let you in on a few little (not-so-) secrets:

I am a mom of three young ladies.

I battle laziness every day (and often lose).

My house is almost always messy, at least in one or two rooms. 

As much as I want my home to look neat and tidy all of the time, it just doesn't. Sometimes, it's because I'm lazy (Proverbs 13:4 comes to mind: "The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing; But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich."). Wanting a clean home, but choosing screen time or reading or sewing, doesn't mean I will have an orderly, uncluttered home….

At other times, it's just because life with three daughters happens. The toddler destroys a room like a hurricane; my little artist has a creativity explosion all over the schoolroom. Or I have a sick child and the dishes & laundry just have to wait. Or a friend stops by unexpectedly, needing encouragement...or school takes longer than I planned...or it’s a beautiful day and the girls want to go for a walk with me. Or…

I often used to cut the messes out of the background of pictures I posted and do mad-dash surface cleaning before someone dropped by – or I’d go so far as to not be terribly welcoming to an unexpected guest for fear they’d see my mess, but I’ve been taking baby steps toward being okay when people see the mess. I’m taking the plunge today and inviting you to see what our home looks like when life is actually happening:

Here's a virtual welcome-to-our-home, if you'd showed up at around noon yesterday:

Sometimes, the lunch dishes don't get cleaned up right away.
Sometimes, girls get distracted from their chores by Legos.

A sink full of dishes, and a dishwasher full of dishes that have
been there since the previous evening...
this is so hard for me to admit. But there. Dirty dishes.

People, and their need to wear clothes. Pshhh.
I do 1-2 loads of laundry most days, but it only gets put away
2-3 times a week.

School table = creative art table. The girls sometimes enter
stealth mode and will quietly craft when they are supposed
to be playing in their room...and then forget to clean up. Cringe.

Ok, so the living room isn't actually that bad here. The big girls
are often very helpful and will take about 5 minutes to do a 'quick clean-up'
before lunch.

Either way, sometimes our home is messy. REALLY messy. Sometimes, borderline gross messy:

-sometimes the laundry sits in the washer overnight and then smells kindaaaaa musty. Sometimes the only clean clothes are the ones that have been in the dryer for days.

-the girls’ room, as much as we want to clean it each night before bed, sometimes looks like the closet threw up all over their floor, and beds, and out into the hallway.

-the bathroom trash overflows. 

-dishes get crusty. or slimy. or bubbly. Or there are so many that I can’t find the counter top.

-sometimes the girls will sweep without me asking, because the floors get too messy for even them.

-just keeping up with ordinary chores is sometimes too much; forget the piles and piles of clutter in the schoolroom and on my desk.

We do have a daily chore routine, and we try to follow it daily (see Our Morning Routine), but sometimes chores get overlooked or something comes up.

This may sound silly to you, but it's a freeing confession for me. I've long wanted everyone to think that I've got it together; that I've got this perfect little existence. The motive was noble - to try to give Jesus a good reputation. If people see that my life is awesome, maybe they'll want to follow Jesus, too.

It turns out He doesn't really need my help in the PR department, though.

Also - what kind of message is that?! It's certainly not the gospel. Following Jesus does not ensure a squeaky-clean life. 

Being willing to get up every morning and face my struggles again in the grace that He supplies while choosing to praise Him and His goodness, even when the outlook seems bleak or overwhelming – that is where and how He is magnified in my life.

Being humble enough to explain to my daughters that part of the reason the house is so messy is because sometimes Mommy is just plain old lazy, and that choosing laziness over diligence is a sin, but that the Lord can change my heart concerning that - and training them to not fall captive to it in the first place – He uses that to showcase His patience with me.

Being able to rejoice in the tiny victories – going to bed with no dirty dishes in the sink, or keeping up with the laundry for a couple days in a row, or training the girls (and myself) successfully to enjoy the fruits of a job well done, and extending forgiveness to myself when I falter and pick my leisure time over managing my home well – those are moments when the Lord reminds me that I’m not just teaching my daughters how to succeed but also how to handle their failures graciously because of the forgiveness we have in Christ. 

I am broken. Life is messy. Learning to walk in victory over laziness, selfishness, and pride one day at a time in His strength is more precious to God than me trying to project an image of perfect for His sake.

Boasting in my weakness,

that His power might be seen throughout my life,

for His glory!

~Lisha

[For more on my journey from pride to broken honesty, see my post Intimidation.]

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Intimidation.

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(scene from The Little Giants)

"...has it occurred to you that you are...well,

...a little intimidating?

I mean, that maybe when other people look at you, they see that you've set the bar so high for yourself that we all assume that you set the bar that high for us too - even if you don't think you do? And that some people feel inadequate just being around you, or when they see your online posts, or when you're teaching..."

The Lord knows that I'm in a time of my life when I need to hear hard things. I've had conversations where something like the above comment was mentioned FIVE times in the last couple months - which means God is trying a message through!! And He has been faithful to put in my path a women who are faithful to speak those hard things. In love, because they care. He has also given me the gift of Will, who knows me better than anyone else, and is openly honest with me about my weaknesses.

When it comes to my own heart and my relationship with the Lord - I want perfection. I want excellence all of the time. I want to be a beautiful ambassador for Jesus.

I have been so full of pride. I have faltered while thinking I'm okay.

One of the proverbs that utterly. terrifies. me. is 25:26:
A righteous man who falters before the wicked is like a murky spring and a polluted well.

Do you know what happens when people try to find refreshment by drinking from a murky spring or polluted well?! Disease! Maybe even death! They end up sicker and weaker than when they began!

I cannot describe to you the deep-down terror I feel at the idea that someone would come to me for encouragement, or examine my life to see what Jesus is all about, and go away from me spiritually weaker than when they began. I want my life, my heart, my words, my actions, my motives to be a neon sign that points straight to Jesus Christ and His mercy and love and patience and might - always. And because of that, I don't graciously tolerate less than perfection from myself, as it pertains to my journey with the Lord.

The strife comes when I project that desire for "perfect" onto other people. Like my husband, or daughters, or fellow moms, or other brothers & sisters in the Lord, or ...anyone. There is pain, discord, and broken fellowship when I hold them to the standard that only Jesus Christ can attain!

People let people down. I let people down every single day (mainly, Will & the girls, because they are who I spend most of my time with!). It's what people do! I have been so foolish to expect & require perfection from everyone around me and myself. For years, I have been breaking hearts and driving the people I love the most AWAY from the Savior, because I inadvertently expected them to look exactly like Him when really I expected that I should look exactly like Him.

God is showing me (because I'm finally willing to see!!) that there is a huge difference between:
1) expecting/demanding consistent excellence from myself and others, and
2) striving toward becoming excellent in those areas where Jesus has called me while gently guiding and encouraging others to also strive toward excellence in those areas where Jesus has called them.

For instance:
Doing these things

• demanding my daughters have a perfectly clean room, flawless manners, and impeccably sweet attitudes all of the time only teaches my daughters that it's the outward appearance that matters.
• expecting myself to be able to maintain a perfectly clean home every single day only leave me feeling guilty and overwhelmed by my struggle with laziness - and may compel me to only worry about the surface cleaning - taking shortcuts to make sure everything looks okay at a first glance.
• requiring that my husband should always be completely loving - patience, kind, not arrogant, not rude, never failing - teaches him that I think he's a failure because he can't do what only Jesus can do.

...kills joy, love, peace, patience...you name it. No wonder I'm a drag to be around! Ugh!

But this approach

• extending grace to my girls when their room is not clean - maybe giving appropriate consequences when they trash the place but understanding that they are girls and they love to play with each other (and what a huge blessing that is!), or reminding them as many times as necessary to say thank you/please/excuse me/etc because love is kind, or remembering that even I don't have an impeccably sweet attitude all of the time and showing them what repentance looks like when I don't...that teaches them that the Lord cares about their hearts and how they treat others.
• giving myself grace when the dishes are still in the sink or the laundry is still in the washer, and just getting up every morning and trying for one. more. day. to battle the desire to be lazy, knowing that each small victory is a step toward excellence.
• encouraging Will to look to Jesus as the example while pouring grace and mercy all over his heart when he gets distracted...

fosters life - abundant life in Christ! - and growth in the Spirit.

Oh, Lord, I'm so slow, but I'm learning. I'm so sorry that I resisted Your way of grace for so long, to Will's grief and the girls' frustration, and to the hurt of my friends & family. Help me to let go of my deadly grip on intimidating perfection & my own excellence, and to lean hard on Your grace, Your compassion, and Your excellence. It's not my perfection in You that draws people; it's You loving me patiently in my imperfection that is most beautiful.

Seeking His excellence,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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A Post-Worthy Life

Here is a snippet of an email I received this morning from someone who is very close to me:

"What you are striving for, perhaps without realizing it, is a perfect post-worthy life. I believe you want to be able to marginalize the real bad stuff and exacerbate the trivial bad stuff in order to feign godliness and earn friends while stubbornly refusing to change or admit error so that you can bask in the glory of having been right all along..."

Ouch.

But there is truth to be gleaned from this. Social media has suckered me in, and appealed to my "people pleaser" side - I want people to like me. I want them to think well of me and the work that I'm doing. I do tend to leave out the unbecoming qualities, and post more of the Christ-like thoughts and plans and happenings than anything else. I am often stubborn and slow to see the plank in my own eye before I try to meddle with the speck in someone else's. And the allure of proving that I'm right is strong.

And it shows. And I'm grateful that this close one brought it to my attention. It breaks my heart to think that my life would be the reason a person would reject Jesus - and I know it has been. too many times. For shame.

I don't want a post-worthy life, I want a gospel-worthy life.

Lord, keep transforming my heart & mind and forming my will until they look like Yours!!!

Praising God for the truths I need to hear,

even when they hurt,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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If

Amy Carmichael was a Irish lady who spent 55 years of her life ministering to the children & women of India at the Dohnavur Fellowship which she founded in 1901. I love to read about her life and read her books & poetry.

One of my favorite pieces is a collection of brief thoughts & poems titled "If." They challenge my heart afresh, each time I read them. I'm sharing a few that really spoke to my heart this evening, in this season of my life. There are so many areas of my life where I 'know nothing of Calvary love'! Do you find yourself in any of these?

If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another;

if I can in any way slight another in conversation,

or even in thought,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

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If I take offence easily;

if I am content to continue in cold unfriendliness,

though friendship be possible,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I belittle those whom I am called to serve,

talk of their weak points in contrast

perhaps with what I think of as my strong points;

if I adopt a superior attitude,

forgetting "Who made thee to differ?

and what hast thou that thou hast not received?"

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If a sudden jar can cause me

to speak an impatient, unloving word,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill

even one drop of bitter water,

however suddenly jolted.

If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me;

if my fellows hesitate to ask it

and turn to someone else,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

When an answer I did not expect

comes to a prayer which I believed I truly meant,

I shrink back from it;

if the burden my Lord asks me to bear

be not the burden of my heart's choice, 

and I fret inwardly and do not welcome His will,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can easily discuss

the shortcomings and the sins of any;

if I can speak in a casual way

even of a child's misdoings,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am afraid to speak the truth lest I lose affection,

or lest the one concerned should say,

"You do not understand",

or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness;

if I put my own good name

before the other's highest good,

then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me,
as it seems to me, unjustly,
forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself
they would condemn me much more,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
[Amy Carmichael]

Desperate to know ever more of Calvary love,
for His glory!
~Lisha

I'm sharing this post at Growing Home, Titus 2sday, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Raising Homemakers, Hope in Every Season, & I Choose Joy!

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