10.27.2013

Teaching children to sit through church

Do you ever receive a compliment for your child's/childrens' behavior, and wonder 'whose children are these sweet people talking about?!' (I'm mostly jesting...mostly.) I do, sometimes. In part because it's so easy for me to have a critical view of my daughters' behavior too often; and in part because I know our girls better than anyone else and understand they are not always as angelic as they appear in public.

Some folks at church have recently complimented my daughters about how they do a nice job of sitting through church - and they ask me how I manage to get the girls to do it. My girls are 7 1/2, 6, & 3 - and most of the time, they conduct themselves pretty well in the sanctuary. ...coffee hour and fellowship time, though, that's a different story. We'll probably be working on that for the next few years. If you visit Jaffrey Bible, and you see kids camped out by the snack table [or underneath it, waiting for food to drop...], or finishing other people's unattended snacks, they're likely mine. They do get enough to eat, contrary to what they might tell you.


When our oldest two were little (newborn & 1 1/2), we felt strongly that we wanted them to sit through the entire service with us, even though nursery care was available. At this point, all three of our girls are old enough to go downstairs to Junior Church during the sermon portion of the service most of the time, but every so often I keep them up with me to keep teaching them this important skill. We've not perfected it - we never will. But we keep on trying.

Here is my offering to parents who are wondering how to teach their children to sit respectfully through church. It is not a get-quiet-kids-quick scheme, and I make no promises. These are just the things the Lord has shown me as I've sought to point my girls to Jesus.

1) Be the example.

Be. the. example.

You are always an example to those little sets of eyes. Like when you talk to your pew neighbors during announcements or during the sermon (I ask my girls to speak up respectfully when they see me doing this, because it's a weakness of mine). When you are rifling through your handbag just to check your phone one more time (or, if you keep your phone in your hand or by your side!). When you are fidgeting because you are feeling bored.

If you want your children to learn how to sit still, pay attention, and enjoy the service - set the example.

Some parents choose to allow their kids to bring coloring books, small toys, or other things to keep them quiet. That is between you and the Lord. We chose not to do that because "being quiet" wasn't the end goal we wanted for our children - it was learning to worship God in His sanctuary, with His people. We encourage the girls to bring a Bible or Bible storybook with them, and we encourage them to either participate (singing, listening, etc), or to read while seated. And I try to be aware that I follow my own guidelines!

2) Be patient.

What I cannot promise you is that your littles will stay put and be quiet in just a few easy steps. Training them to sit takes time. Sometimes, years. With my older two, it was easily 3 years before I could sit through a whole service. But I am reaping the benefits now, and it makes all of those training years worth it.

Decide on a couple basic rules/guidelines, and stick to them. When they are dishonored, deal with it right away. Even if that means getting up and carrying them to the back of the church 8,341 times a service for 2 years.

Our guidelines:
-When someone is speaking from the pulpit, you may not speak {dire potty emergencies excluded}. Look at the speaker, or you may read your Bible silently.
-When we are singing, you may sing along, or read quietly.
-You may sit on the floor or on the pew, but you may not wander around.

Obviously, any babies under, I'd say, 18 months - just realize that they cry. They get fussy. They vocalize. Often, at the most inconvenient times. But there is no need for disciplining a child who cries due to hunger, or being overtired, or just because! Accept with joy and thanksgiving the fact that you will likely play the get-up-and-sit-back-down game for a couple of years if you have a baby - or that you'll be in the Cry Room if your church has one. For a long time, I had to sign up for a copy of the message on CD or hear the summary from Will!

Once they get to be old enough to show defiant behavior (it varies!), you'll need to decide how you will deal with a rebellious attitude - and the difference between real rebellion and plain old crankiness (9:30-11 is a tough time for littles who are used to a morning nap! Once you have a plan, be as consistent as you can. Eventually (...really!), you'll begin to see progress. Our youngest is just barely 3, and she does pretty well most of the time.

3) Teach them to sit still at home, too, and praise even the smallest of true efforts.

Being still is not a bad thing for children every now and then. Sure, children need copious amounts of activity time - whether helping with chores, or engaged in learning, or just free & unstructured playtime! - but sitting still, patiently, and quietly is a life skill that needs to be worked on. Teaching them to be still in other places besides church will ensure that the request isn't a foreign concept. Storytime, snuggle time, rest time, or quiet reading time are all ways to teach them at home. And again, teach by example. Let them see you taking down time every now and again to snuggle with them, or to just read quietly.

When they do well with this at home (and at church), be sure to give them a complement. Be specific: "Abs, I really appreciated the way you sat and read to yourself so quietly just now. You're really growing in self-control!" Steer away from general, over-the-top flattery, like: "WOW!! Hannah!! You're the best sitter-stiller that I've ever met! Great job! Keep it up!!"

4) Pray with them and for them - and point them to the Word.

This is, by far, the most important piece of teaching your children to do....anything at all. Pray. Pray more, and then pray again. Pray that the Lord will work in your heart first and give you a desire to worship Him and to delight in being at church, in His presence and in the midst of the assembly of believers! Pray also that your children will also truly delight in being there and learning more about our Almighty and loving God!

Become familiar with verses about reverencing the Lord, and the assembling of His people, and the verses about being still and waiting on the Lord - and please share them with your children!! No matter how small they are!! God's Word is powerful and life-giving for all people, not just grown-ups, and your children will benefit from hearing you proclaim His truth!

Verses I've found to be a helpful starting point:

You shall keep My Sabbaths and reverence My sanctuary: I am the Lord.
{Leviticus 19:30}

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God.
{Exodus 20:8-10}

And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.
{Hebrews 10:24-25}

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
and for His wonderful works to the children of men!
Let them exalt Him also in the assembly of the people,
and praise Him in the company of the elders.
{Psalm 107:31-32}

Wait on the Lord;
be of good courage,
and He shall strengthen your heart;
wait, I say, on the Lord!
{Psalm 27:14}

Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge.
{Psalm 46:10-11}

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him..
{Psalm 37:7}

What have you found to work in helping your children learn to sit through church?

Teaching my daughters,
for His glory!
~Lisha :)

I may be sharing this post at these Link-up parties!
[If this post has encouraged, blessed, or inspired you, please share it, pin it, or comment!]

32 comments:

  1. One of my favorite things to do in church as a kid when I got bored - once I could read anyway - was to read through the hymnal. Before I could read my parents would have coloring for us to do or we'd go to children's church during the service, but by elementary school we were expected to sit through "big church". I always loved the singing part best of all, but I paid attention to most of the sermons - believe it or not. It helps that we had an engaging pastor who gave entertaining sermons - though not at the expense of sound teaching.

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    1. My youngest daughter (3) LOVES the hymnal - so much so that I asked for an older, more worn copy of it to bring home. I let her "play" the piano with me with songs from it during the week! Even thought she's not reading yet, I definitely let her 'read' that during singing time, too.

      Our church is, I believe, heading toward having children stay in the service rather than separating the families. I appreciate it, because our pastor captivates the attention of the littles and I know the children understand more than they often get credit for!

      Thanks for sharing, and for the encouragement, Amy. Praying you have a sweet week!
      ~Lisha :)

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  2. Lisha, we try to keep our three girls in church although when my husband has to run the overhead projector, I will put our youngest (17 months) in the nursery simply because I'm still training the middle child (age 3), and I honestly can't handle the two littles alone. I really like your last point about praying for them and pointing to the Word as to why we worship. My oldest has started complaining about not enjoying church. My explanations for why we go don't always satisfy; that's why I really need to point her to the Bible and pray for a heart change for her. I'm going to use some of your verses for her memory work. Thank you. God bless you, friend!

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    1. Thanks, Keri! One of the things I keep learning about parenting is...it all goes back to the Word and prayer. They won't have a vibrant, joyful relationship with their Father without me bringing them to the well of His Word and the throne of grace! The book "Teach Them Diligently" has been such a help in that area! It has scripture charts in the back of it for quick reference when addressing a particular issue or sin struggle.

      My oldest (7 1/2) sometimes grumbles about church too, because she just doesn't like to sit still. We let her sit on the floor if she wants, or take off her shoes, or stand in the back (we sit in the last row), or even lay down on the pew if no one else is sitting with us, so long as she is (mostly) focused on the Lord in one way or another. I discovered a few weeks ago that we have an illustrated Bible story book that she LOVES, so I let her bring that now and it seems to help a lot.

      It sounds like your girls are a similar age spread to mine :) It is difficult to manage two littles - my oldest two are 16 months apart. Those first 3-4 years were hard because if you had to discipline or comfort one, you had to pick up both and remove both and deal with one but keep an eye on the other and.....I kept telling myself "this too shall pass"! And it eventually did!

      Thanks for stopping by, my friend! Have a sweet day :)
      ~Lisha

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  3. Oh my goodness I'm so excited you took time to share this, HONESTLY! I have three children under the age of 3, we pioneer a church so my children are the only kids usually. I try to keep them quiet in the back of the church while my husband is preaching, which means two hands to service 3 mouths and 30 wandering fingers! I needed that word - BE Patient. Its very frustrating at times to try so hard to keep them from being a distraction with sometimes 0 success. Thanks again for sharing!

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    1. It feels like 0 success, but it's not! I wish I could give you a hug through the screen - it does get easier. It does. I recently had a young mom say to me that she envied how good my girls were, but I gently let her know that she didn't see the almost 4 years I spent in the cry room at every service with one (or more) of my girls. It takes time and consistency to teach them, but they do learn!

      Your work - both of pioneering a church with your husband, and of mothering the little ones - is precious to the Lord, and He will provide the grace you need to do both, in His strength and with the resources He's given you. Do not lose heart, Stephanie! You will one day reap a harvest! I am so thankful were encouraged here <3

      ~Lisha :)

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  4. Jacci Keeney10/29/2013 6:20 AM

    Thank you for a great post! A great resource our family uses for using God's word to train children is found at childtrainingbible.com. It has been just as helpful for me as for them to be able to turn right to what our LORD says about any number of topics. A few moms seemed thankful for the reminder about using the Bible, & this tool has certainly helped me. Blessings! :)

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    1. Jacci, thank you for sharing - I will look into that! It is always helpful to have resources that guide us in pointing our children to the Lord and His Word! :)

      ~Lisha

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  5. These are excellent tips. We send our 6 month old to the nursery, but we keep our 6 year old with us most of the time instead of sending him to children's church because we feel he's capable of understanding the sermon and we want him to develop the discipline to sit still now. In all reality, we should have started WAY sooner. I don't think we'll ever send the baby to children's church, and we'll stop sending him to the nursery at about a year old.

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    1. I think you're right - children do hear and understand way more than we often give them credit for. :) My 6 & 7 year olds and I have had deep discussions - stuff that I haven't thought of sometimes! - as a result of what they've heard from the pulpit.

      Thank you for visiting, Alissa! Blessings!
      ~Lisha

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  6. My children were wonderful in Church until my parents started sitting with us and sneaking them crayons and iPhones and candy to "help them sit quietly." Now they're both terrible. I think maybe we need to move to another pew haha.

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    1. It also might be a good time to gently bring up your thoughts & hopes for your children as it pertains to the church service - I think that grandparents do a lot of what they do to honestly & sincerely be helpful and just need a heads-up when there are other ways they could help. :)

      I'm so thankful you stopped by! Have a good weekend!
      ~Lisha :)

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  7. Thank you for linking up with us! I always sat with my parents in church and would draw in my sketch pad what the pastor spoke about in his sermon. It helped us to remember the sermon and helped my parents to know that I understood what was being taught as I was too young to write notes. Then we would discuss what we learned and our drawings on the way home.

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    1. I love. love. love. that idea!! For my oldest daughter, creating is like breathing - necessary for life. She's an artist, and I can see where sketching might help her process what she's hearing more thoroughly!! Thank you, thank you!

      ~Lisha

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  8. Hi - we met up last week on the link ups, but I am just now stopping by. I really love this post. I think I will bookmark it and come back to it again we generally have put our kids in the nursery, but it's been on my heart to bring them into service with me more often. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. :)

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    1. Thank you, Jamie - I'm glad it was an encouragement to you! :)

      So blessed that you stopped by! I hope you have had a good week!
      ~Lisha

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  9. Thank you for the encouragement...I have gone it alone in the pew as my husband preaches. Feeling weary. But encouraged today...

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    1. I'm grateful God used this to encourage your heart this morning!

      You can do all things (even training your children alone during church!), through Christ who strengthens you <3 Praying that God would fill you with refreshing truths today!

      ~Lisha

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  10. These are great tips, Lisha! I especially like your emphasis on parents being the example because I think parents' actions can often communicate expectations much more clearly than their words.

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    1. Thank you, Shannon! That was the first area where God really convicted me - I would talk to my best friend though announcements and then get frustrated that my kids tried talking through the sermon. I realized that my example counted just as much in church as at home :P He's forever working on me and endlessly patient...I'm so thankful :)

      Thank you for visiting!
      ~Lisha :)

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  11. We are currently training our two-year-old daughter to sit in church. I definitely agree with you on the whole "be patient" thing!! Thanks for linking up to Thrive @ Home! :)

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    1. You're welcome, Jenni - thank you for hosting! Being patient can be so tough for me, because in my mind I think once I say something, they should just always remember and do it :P But it does take them a few years sometimes to really get the hang of it!

      Blessings!
      ~Lisha :)

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  12. Oh. My. Goodness. Thank you!!!

    Nick and I feel strongly that our children (one daughter, so far) need to learn to sit quietly through the service. Other than using the cry room as needed from birth until we get to that point, we never intended to use the nursery (and we have a great one) except once every three months when it is our turn to be the nursery workers. Unfortunately, I have struggled to ignore well meant advice, especially from family, and have used nursery almost every Sunday since my daughter was about 13 or 14 months old. We currently have 3 separate households of extended family that all attend the same church, and we all sit together 3 pews from the front of the sanctuary. Which was fine - until Serenity got old enough that I have to leave the room repeatedly, to correct inappropriate church behavior. I recently expressed my frustration over wanting to train her to be reverent in church, but unable to sit in the back (all the single adults sit back there, *sigh*), and he told me that he would see what he could do to make room for families with young children so the back of the church is accessible for us. I'm hoping that will help, because I've had enough. I don't care if I have to listen to the service later, or if I don't "get a break" on Sunday morning. My highest calling as a mother is to share the Gospel with my children, and instill in them love and awe of God. I can't do that if she's always in nursery.

    Thank you for your encouragement and tips. I'm relieved to know that I wasn't failing when she was younger, I was just expecting too much from her at her age at the time. We've been working hard to learn to sit quietly at home, so I'm hoping that at 18 months she'll start to pick it up. So again, thank you. I've been feeling horribly discouraged about this, lately. And while it's important to my husband, too, health issues have prevented him from going to church for a while now, so I'm facing all the well-intentioned discouragement alone right now.

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    1. Thank you for sharing what's on your heart, Alena! Children...they just take time. I think as moms, we would love for our little ones to absorb the things we teach them after the first time or the first few times...but the truth is that it may take years.

      I feel like I need to share this story with you - a little off topic, but as an encouragement to keep on. My oldest daughter was born with significant delays. The doctors told us that she would not likely walk or talk. I sang to her every night. I talked to her about everything we did. And all I got in return was the same noise "eh". That's it. She did use sign language but just couldn't verbalize things. And just before she turned 3 - she began walking and speaking. One of her first sentences: "Sing me the song with my name in it" {Amazing Grace, since her middle name is Grace}. I sang to her - and she sang every. single. word. along with me. She'd been hearing, thinking, and just waiting. I had no idea. So many times I wanted to give up because I just didn't think my words and songs were doing a lick, but God was using each one the whole time. ...keep gently training! And you are not facing discouragement alone - you can pour your tears & doubts & frustrations out at the throne of grace and the Lord hears. Oh, He hears! And how He answers is up to Him, but He will answer.

      Many blessings to you. I will be praying for you this week!
      ~Lisha

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  13. I love this... I've always taught my kids to sit still well... until #7. LOL, he's a total squirmer... at 4, he only has one more year of children's church (which is just during the sermon) and I'm going to have to start working with him hard to get him ready to not be a distraction in church next year!

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    1. My youngest (age 3) has taken way more patience than I remember my other 2 needing! :) She's a squirmer too. I've learned that she loves to read the hymnal, so I let her look at it while standing next to me - and as long as she's doing it quietly it's been okay.

      Thank you for visiting, and for your encouragement, Elisabeth!
      ~Lisha

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  14. Lisha, this is such a good post. It is so good for children to be in church. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Judith! I think so, too. They understand so much more than we give them credit for when we let them sit and soak in the same Word we're hearing. It makes for some amazing conversations during the week, after it's had a chance to take root in their mind & heart!

      ~Lisha :)

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  15. Hi there! Love this post! Thanks so much for linking up to the Pin It Link Party last week! Just wanted you to know that you're being featured on the link party this week! :) Have a great night!

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    1. We just returned home from almost a week of being away & unplugged, and seeing this was a sweet surprise and such an encouragement! Thank you, Danielle!

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  16. This is fantastic. In my peer group especially (20-somethings), it's hard to keep our 20 month old in service with us. Not popular at all. But we want him to learn to worship God in the context of community with believers of all ages. It's amazing how well he does during the sermon, just sitting quietly flipping pages in his Bible (he likes to point out numbers and letters he recognizes, which gets kind of noisy sometimes!). Sometimes we allow him to draw on the back of the bulletin -- surely that's somehow related to taking notes later... ;)

    This post really encouraged me to persevere in training him to be involved in worship -- that it will be worth it. I'll work on being the example in the coming weeks. :)

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    1. Yes! Persevere :) It will be worth it - both in spiritual fruit and in the discipline of sitting still. My daughters look forward to 'big church' and talking with the grown-ups after about what they learned.

      Our church offers nursery and junior church during the sermon portion of the service (everyone stays together for singing, though) - but there has been talk in years past about going to a totally integrated service where all the children stay through the service. I hope it happens, but until then I still let my girls sit through every few weeks.

      I hope you have a blessed day!
      ~Lisha :)

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