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Photo credit: Molly Viglione Photography 2013
Sometimes I feel like a few of my big dreams have gone unfufilled,
but then I remember that God is not limited to my dreams for me.
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would God give me a dream - a desire of my heart - that He does not intend to fulfill?!
It's easy to run to a verse like Psalm 37:4 where it says 'He will give you the desires of your heart'. The old "build your theology around and hang your hopes on a single verse" - which is always, always a bad idea. Always. The idea that God is bound to give me whatever my little heart desires is just not in line with all the rest of Scripture. (Remember, Scripture also says the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things {Jeremiah 17:9}...so how do those two verses mesh?)
Without reading the verses around it, or taking in the whole counsel of God, I'd feel kind of iffy about God's ability to keep His Word, because truth be told, I have unfulfilled dreams in my heart.
At least, on the surface, I think I do. For example-
I want to be loved. I mean, LOVED!, by my husband. In the way that Christ loved His church and gave Himself up for her. I want to feel cherished, treasured, defended, taken care of, and valued - every day, all the time! But marriage has difficult seasons, and some days are just no-good and terrible. There have been years of our marriage when we have both felt lonely & empty for a myriad of reasons. It's not what either of us had dreamed up when we said we do for better or worse. But what about that longing to be loved? Has God forgotten about my heart?
Since I was in 4th grade, I've wanted to be a teacher. A middle school math teacher - yes, you saw that correctly. I am crazy, and I did write middle school math teacher. :) I taught in an excellent school for just 2 years before our oldest daughter was born. I have not regretted a day of being home with my daughters, but I often wish that I could have some way to connect with middle school students and impact their lives somehow in a school-type setting. God gave me the ability to teach - did He put me on the shelf when I started having children?
And I'd love to have a home full to bursting with little ones. Before Elizabeth was even thought of, I had a list of 14 names (first & middle) that I knew I just had to use some day. We've got three amazingly beautiful daughters, and one baby that we never really got to know. For now, three is just right; my days are full and resources seem limited with the ones we have - but I can't help the disappointment each month that comes when I realize that there will not be another little one, at least this time around. After almost a decade of being married, I'd hoped by now to have 5 or 6 sweet ones to kiss and squeeze and sing to and love on. God says over and over that children are a blessing, and I'm willing to receive as many as He'll give...why isn't He taking me up on that?
I've been praying for these dreams to come true for years. and that feels like a long time to wait!!
I was driving home from grocery shopping (alone) the other night and taking the opportunity to ask the Lord why, if He'd given me these desires, He wasn't fulfilling them. The desires I have are good ones, so how come my life doesn't look the way I think it should?!
My daughter, He started, you're not seeing everything the way I see it.
If you felt loved and secure all of the time by your husband, you wouldn't need to seek Me and My heart for you. You wouldn't depend on and abide in My love for you. I fulfill your desire to be loved when you spend time with Me and let Me remind you how precious you are. Don't look to man to love you - look to Me. And you'll be able to love him generously out of the overflow of My love, no matter what the years bring.
You are a teacher. I've given you three little girls who will one day be young ladies and they are learning from you, day in and day out. All those years of formal training were for a purpose. And I've placed you in a church with a thriving middle & high school outreach! I've given you the best of both worlds - you don't have to fill out report cards or attend staff meetings AND you get to impact the young ladies you love by speaking into their lives and taking them out for breakfast. And what about tutoring? I've given you that outlet so you can help them with math - while working from home.
And what's this talk about wanting more children? I've given you four - which is an infinite treasure! If I never bless you with another, you have riches untold already. And how do you know I'm never going to call you to adopt, or foster, or carry another little one? There's still time! But not now, my dear. And what about all of the young ladies in your life whom you love like daughters? Just because they don't live under your roof doesn't mean you can't love them, too.
Sometimes, He fulfills our dreams quite plainly for us. Or He may do it in a roundabout way {as we see it, anyway}. And then there are the times when He doesn't, because His purpose in not fulfilling that heart's desire is so that we'll remember that He should be the desire & delight of our hearts.
He keeps sending me back to Psalm 37:
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
and He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
trust also in Him,
and He shall bring it to pass.
{Psalm 37:3-5}
When I'm about the business of first trusting Him, then feeding on His faithfulness, and then delighting myself in Him alone...then He gives me the desires of my heart because my heart will be in line with His! And where there's a desire that seems to be forgotten, I can rest in the truth that He knows precisely what He's doing. For my good, and for His glory...{see Romans 8:28}
Learning to delight in Him
and rest in His plan,
for His glory!
~Lisha
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