I did not sign up for this part!!

My daughter will be having surgery soon. A cecostomy. They are going to be putting an extra hole in Elizabeth's abdomen, complete with a flip-top lid, so that IV laxative can be administered nightly directly into her colon to keep her system empty. So that her colon can return to "normal" (even though it's never been "normal").

The surgeon told us that it typically takes 1-2 years for this to work properly and they can assess the next step. If it is what the surgeon thinks it is (Hirschsprung's disease), then the next step is to remove the dead portion(s) of her colon and install a colostomy bag until everything heals. As if I haven't had to deal with poop enough over the last 6 1/2 years....

I would be lying to you if I said that my heart is not anxious. And since lying is always a bad choice, I won't.

My heart is anxious!!! Lord, I did not sign up for this!

E, before her cecostomy.

Following Jesus passionately does not mean that I am immune to the feelings and struggles of life! And I imagine that most believing moms, no matter how rooted they are in Christ and His love and His sovereignty, experience some level of anxiety rising up in them when they hear that something is not "right" with their child(ren).

E is my baby! My firstborn! The one over whom I have prayed and prayed and prayed for immediate healing. My little artist, fashionista, musician, ballerina, dream-big kinda girl. There is nothing in me that wants to go through with this surgery. I have cried over, prayed over, made pros-and-cons lists, paced over, and worried over this decision. Will and I laboriously arrived at the conclusion that though we do not want this, it is, right now, the path that God has carved out for us & E - for our good and His glory.

The what-ifs try to cloud my mind when I dwell for too long on surgery. What if disaster strikes, and things don't go as smoothly as they're supposed to? What about an allergic reaction to anesthesia?! What if it's hard to do this every night? What if it doesn't work?!

If I dwell on these things, I get overwhelmed and discouraged and fearful. But God, in His wisdom, has given me a list of things to dwell on:

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. [Philippians 4:8]

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2]

It is a moment-by-moment battle to choose not to worry about the upcoming surgery and subsequent changes in our day-to-day life. Over and over again in the course of every day I have to choose to lift my heart and my voice in praise. in thanksgiving. with joy! Because no matter what happens, no matter how long it takes for E's body to heal, no matter which complications arise - all of it is ordained and allowed by a sovereign God who loves E more than I ever will. And He wills for her to know Him more and love Him for a lifetime. If a life-changing surgery is what it's going to take to show her how a mommy depends on God for strength - if the inconvenience will help her understand that my praises don't depend on the right circumstances - if being healed shows her how God can work a miracle, or not being healed shows her the truth of Philippians 4:11-12 that we can learn to be content in Christ no matter what - if someone watching our story comes to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ because He is so evident in our hearts - then I will fall on my knees in prayer and worship God by walking through E's surgery holding tightly to His hand and His Word. 

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
yes, I have a good inheritance!!
I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
my heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
my flesh also will rest in hope!!
For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
You will show me the path of life;
in Your presence is fullness of joy;
at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore!!!!
[Psalm 16:5-11]

Songs I sing when I start to feel afraid or overwhelmed:
You Are My Hiding Place - Selah
Your Name - Phillips, Craig & Dean

I did not sign up for this,
but God ordained it from before time began...
for His glory!
~Lisha :)

PS If you have a verse or passage that has carried you through a time of fear or uncertainty or change - please share it! I would love to post it on an index card and hang it in my kitchen!

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