Update - Elizabeth's Surgery

New to the blog? Catch up on my daughter's journey by reading I did not sign up for this part!!, have i not commanded you?, I trust you so much, but..., You just don't understand!, and It's not about her, if you'd like.

We made the two-and-a-half-ish hour trek north early this morning to the regional children's hospital (CHaD - Children's Hospital at Dartmouth) [You may have seen this recent viral video - some of the staff members here have cared for E!]. We prayed last night that the weather would be okay, since it's been snowy and gross here [December. New England. What else could we reasonably expect?!]. Instead, the roads were still kind of slick when we hit the road at 6:45am. So instead of changing the weather, God had us follow the state salt & sand truck - for 13 miles - over the mountain and almost into Keene. (Thanks, Lord).

The staff at CHaD is phenomenal, and we are grateful for each one that has cared for Elizabeth (and us!). They treated Elizabeth with respect and great kindness. The anesthesiologists & the surgeon were baffled by her calmness, and how eagerly she cooperated - and how sweet she was right upon waking up from the anesthesia. It is a direct answer to my prayers, though: that the peace of Jesus just rest upon her and fill her heart, so that she knows in Whose hands she is the whole time. She trusts God inherently in ways that astound me.

Elizabeth decorating her anesthesia mask
with princess stickers :)

The surgery itself started much later than we thought due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, but Elizabeth was only in surgery for about 25 minutes - if that. Only enough time for Will and I to go in search of my favorite coffee spot in the food court and then walk back with 20oz of hazelnut coffee liquid energy (I was running on about 3 1/2 hours of sleep). She came to right away, smiling and trying to chat up a foggy-minded storm (so cute!). After a couple of minutes, she was mostly back to normal and the doctor came by to check on her. She thanked him and the nurse for helping her (and thanked another nurse for choosing the right and coolest band-aid for her IV spot) and wished the doctor a Merry Christmas - and the nurse brought her a cherry popsicle.

Out of surgery, in recovery - my little trooper,
holding tight to Daddy's hand!

The prize :)

Once the nurse was pleased with her vitals, we got to load Elizabeth up in a wheelchair and head home!

Leaving CHaD!

And the prescription now is Don't Do Much For The Next Couple Of Days. That means a rare 'movie day' and quite a few special treats while she heals up. She even got to rest in Mommy's chair (a big deal around here!).

Elizabeth sitting in Mommy's chair! :)

I don't even know where to begin with how grateful I feel right now. I know that many dear ones were praying for us and I saw God answering prayer in the biggest and tiniest details!! So let me share this, the verse on my mind:

It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;
to declare Your lovingkindness in the morning,
and Your faithfulness every night,
on an instrument of ten strings,
on the lute,
and on the harp,
with harmonious sound.
For You, Lord, have made me glad through Your work;
I will triumph in the works of Your hands.
{Psalm 92:1-4}

What next? Keep irrigating her system every morning. Sometime in the next 6+ months we will likely return to CHaD for tests to see if the nerves in her colon are dead or not. No matter what the journey holds or the long-term outcome, I want the might and majesty and mercy of Jesus to be the first and only thing people notice!!

Thankful for modern medicine,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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Intimidation.

www.tumblr.com
(scene from The Little Giants)

"...has it occurred to you that you are...well,

...a little intimidating?

I mean, that maybe when other people look at you, they see that you've set the bar so high for yourself that we all assume that you set the bar that high for us too - even if you don't think you do? And that some people feel inadequate just being around you, or when they see your online posts, or when you're teaching..."

The Lord knows that I'm in a time of my life when I need to hear hard things. I've had conversations where something like the above comment was mentioned FIVE times in the last couple months - which means God is trying a message through!! And He has been faithful to put in my path a women who are faithful to speak those hard things. In love, because they care. He has also given me the gift of Will, who knows me better than anyone else, and is openly honest with me about my weaknesses.

When it comes to my own heart and my relationship with the Lord - I want perfection. I want excellence all of the time. I want to be a beautiful ambassador for Jesus.

I have been so full of pride. I have faltered while thinking I'm okay.

One of the proverbs that utterly. terrifies. me. is 25:26:
A righteous man who falters before the wicked is like a murky spring and a polluted well.

Do you know what happens when people try to find refreshment by drinking from a murky spring or polluted well?! Disease! Maybe even death! They end up sicker and weaker than when they began!

I cannot describe to you the deep-down terror I feel at the idea that someone would come to me for encouragement, or examine my life to see what Jesus is all about, and go away from me spiritually weaker than when they began. I want my life, my heart, my words, my actions, my motives to be a neon sign that points straight to Jesus Christ and His mercy and love and patience and might - always. And because of that, I don't graciously tolerate less than perfection from myself, as it pertains to my journey with the Lord.

The strife comes when I project that desire for "perfect" onto other people. Like my husband, or daughters, or fellow moms, or other brothers & sisters in the Lord, or ...anyone. There is pain, discord, and broken fellowship when I hold them to the standard that only Jesus Christ can attain!

People let people down. I let people down every single day (mainly, Will & the girls, because they are who I spend most of my time with!). It's what people do! I have been so foolish to expect & require perfection from everyone around me and myself. For years, I have been breaking hearts and driving the people I love the most AWAY from the Savior, because I inadvertently expected them to look exactly like Him when really I expected that I should look exactly like Him.

God is showing me (because I'm finally willing to see!!) that there is a huge difference between:
1) expecting/demanding consistent excellence from myself and others, and
2) striving toward becoming excellent in those areas where Jesus has called me while gently guiding and encouraging others to also strive toward excellence in those areas where Jesus has called them.

For instance:
Doing these things

• demanding my daughters have a perfectly clean room, flawless manners, and impeccably sweet attitudes all of the time only teaches my daughters that it's the outward appearance that matters.
• expecting myself to be able to maintain a perfectly clean home every single day only leave me feeling guilty and overwhelmed by my struggle with laziness - and may compel me to only worry about the surface cleaning - taking shortcuts to make sure everything looks okay at a first glance.
• requiring that my husband should always be completely loving - patience, kind, not arrogant, not rude, never failing - teaches him that I think he's a failure because he can't do what only Jesus can do.

...kills joy, love, peace, patience...you name it. No wonder I'm a drag to be around! Ugh!

But this approach

• extending grace to my girls when their room is not clean - maybe giving appropriate consequences when they trash the place but understanding that they are girls and they love to play with each other (and what a huge blessing that is!), or reminding them as many times as necessary to say thank you/please/excuse me/etc because love is kind, or remembering that even I don't have an impeccably sweet attitude all of the time and showing them what repentance looks like when I don't...that teaches them that the Lord cares about their hearts and how they treat others.
• giving myself grace when the dishes are still in the sink or the laundry is still in the washer, and just getting up every morning and trying for one. more. day. to battle the desire to be lazy, knowing that each small victory is a step toward excellence.
• encouraging Will to look to Jesus as the example while pouring grace and mercy all over his heart when he gets distracted...

fosters life - abundant life in Christ! - and growth in the Spirit.

Oh, Lord, I'm so slow, but I'm learning. I'm so sorry that I resisted Your way of grace for so long, to Will's grief and the girls' frustration, and to the hurt of my friends & family. Help me to let go of my deadly grip on intimidating perfection & my own excellence, and to lean hard on Your grace, Your compassion, and Your excellence. It's not my perfection in You that draws people; it's You loving me patiently in my imperfection that is most beautiful.

Seeking His excellence,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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I trust you so much, but...

The surgery went well. E peacefully drifted off to sleep with Will by her side and she woke up with both of us right there. Her first words upon waking were "...I liked that." I asked "what did you like?" "...the surgery." Thank You, Lord, for sweet and funny answers to the prayers of our hearts.

image of a cecostomy port from wikipedia

We were in the hospital for the remainder of Friday and most of Saturday. The doctor was concerned about a few things and spoke of keeping us for an extra night. There was a lot of vomiting and other stuff (I'll spare you the details!) - it was a rough time for all of us. But E, through most of it, had a great attitude. Thanking the nurses, apologizing for screaming, being patient when the answers were not what she wanted to hear. I know she was a blessing to the nurses, housekeeping & food service staff, and to the doctors from the OR. 

Tonight was the first night that we had to flush her system out by hooking her up to the IV bag at home. The cecostomy site is still quite sore and there was a lot of screaming and crying. (Will has been amazingly patient and just incredible in his care of E. I am so thankful!)

Toward the end, when we were getting ready to change her back into a new diaper and get her ready for bed, and Will needed to remove some of the gauze from her wound, she said to him "Daddy? I trust you so much, but this really hurts." 

Well, if my own 6-year-old didn't just express the depths of my heart in ten quick words.

My Heavenly Father loves me fiercely. And sometimes, the things that are best for me are not fun or comfortable; sometimes they are painful. But He bids me to run to Him with my fears and problems and doubts and failings because He knows what's best and how to care for me when I'm afraid and sad. And the same way that E's body will be made stronger on the other side of the pain, so my Father knows my soul & character will be made more like Jesus when I've walked this journey alongside Will & E!

Daddy? I trust you so much, but this really hurts. 

Praise God for the way He speaks so poignantly through the lips of little ones.
How has He spoken to your heart through your children?

Trusting,

(and so grateful for E),

for His glory!

~Lisha

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This is the day...

My sweet Elizabeth! Photo by Molly Viglione, 2012

I just want to share some of the verses and thoughts on my heart this morning. E goes in for surgery today!

This passage is most precious to me; it reminds me of what I'm truly here for. And God spoke it to my heart gently last night as I was praying over E - because I think He wants me to remember that this is not so much about E's broken body, but how He is touching other lives through our story and His undeniable faithfulness to our family:

And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God! [1 Corinthians 2:1-5]

I also love the Psalms. And this one sums up what is going on in my heart. God, here are my troubles and my wearied mother's heart, but more than my troubles I choose to focus on You and Your unfailing faithfulness & power! 

And I said, “This is my anguish;
but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High!!!”
I will remember the works of the Lord;
surely I will remember Your wonders of old.
I will also meditate on all Your work, and talk of Your deeds!!
Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;
who is so great a God as our God?!
You are the God who does wonders;
You have declared Your strength among the peoples!
You have with Your arm redeemed Your people...!
[Psalm 77:10-15]

And the verses that have been on my lips and mind moment by moment the last couple of days:

You will keep him in perfect peace,

whose mind is stayed on You,
because he trusts in You!
Trust in the Lord forever,
for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength!!
[Isaiah 26:3-4]

At that time Jesus answered and said, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes! Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in Your sight. All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest!! Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls! For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” [Matthew 11:25-30]

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you!! [1 Thessalonians 5:16-18]

O God, may people see less of us and more of You in the coming days. Please, no matter what happens, move in our hearts to point to You and what You've accomplished. Christmas is coming - a time to remember the glory of Your birth - make it so that we might be a testimony to Your purpose for being born: the redemption of a broken and weak humanity, that we might bring You glory and enjoy You forever!!

Overwhelming this morning by the goodness of God,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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I did not sign up for this part!!

My daughter will be having surgery soon. A cecostomy. They are going to be putting an extra hole in Elizabeth's abdomen, complete with a flip-top lid, so that IV laxative can be administered nightly directly into her colon to keep her system empty. So that her colon can return to "normal" (even though it's never been "normal").

The surgeon told us that it typically takes 1-2 years for this to work properly and they can assess the next step. If it is what the surgeon thinks it is (Hirschsprung's disease), then the next step is to remove the dead portion(s) of her colon and install a colostomy bag until everything heals. As if I haven't had to deal with poop enough over the last 6 1/2 years....

I would be lying to you if I said that my heart is not anxious. And since lying is always a bad choice, I won't.

My heart is anxious!!! Lord, I did not sign up for this!

E, before her cecostomy.

Following Jesus passionately does not mean that I am immune to the feelings and struggles of life! And I imagine that most believing moms, no matter how rooted they are in Christ and His love and His sovereignty, experience some level of anxiety rising up in them when they hear that something is not "right" with their child(ren).

E is my baby! My firstborn! The one over whom I have prayed and prayed and prayed for immediate healing. My little artist, fashionista, musician, ballerina, dream-big kinda girl. There is nothing in me that wants to go through with this surgery. I have cried over, prayed over, made pros-and-cons lists, paced over, and worried over this decision. Will and I laboriously arrived at the conclusion that though we do not want this, it is, right now, the path that God has carved out for us & E - for our good and His glory.

The what-ifs try to cloud my mind when I dwell for too long on surgery. What if disaster strikes, and things don't go as smoothly as they're supposed to? What about an allergic reaction to anesthesia?! What if it's hard to do this every night? What if it doesn't work?!

If I dwell on these things, I get overwhelmed and discouraged and fearful. But God, in His wisdom, has given me a list of things to dwell on:

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. [Philippians 4:8]

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2]

It is a moment-by-moment battle to choose not to worry about the upcoming surgery and subsequent changes in our day-to-day life. Over and over again in the course of every day I have to choose to lift my heart and my voice in praise. in thanksgiving. with joy! Because no matter what happens, no matter how long it takes for E's body to heal, no matter which complications arise - all of it is ordained and allowed by a sovereign God who loves E more than I ever will. And He wills for her to know Him more and love Him for a lifetime. If a life-changing surgery is what it's going to take to show her how a mommy depends on God for strength - if the inconvenience will help her understand that my praises don't depend on the right circumstances - if being healed shows her how God can work a miracle, or not being healed shows her the truth of Philippians 4:11-12 that we can learn to be content in Christ no matter what - if someone watching our story comes to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ because He is so evident in our hearts - then I will fall on my knees in prayer and worship God by walking through E's surgery holding tightly to His hand and His Word. 

O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
yes, I have a good inheritance!!
I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
my heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;
my flesh also will rest in hope!!
For You will not leave my soul in Sheol,
nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.
You will show me the path of life;
in Your presence is fullness of joy;
at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore!!!!
[Psalm 16:5-11]

Songs I sing when I start to feel afraid or overwhelmed:
You Are My Hiding Place - Selah
Your Name - Phillips, Craig & Dean

I did not sign up for this,
but God ordained it from before time began...
for His glory!
~Lisha :)

PS If you have a verse or passage that has carried you through a time of fear or uncertainty or change - please share it! I would love to post it on an index card and hang it in my kitchen!

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When I don't measure up to much

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When I don't fit in,

and I don't feel like I belong anywhere,

when I don't measure up to much in this life,

oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ!

['Forgiven', Sanctus Real]

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. [Ephesians 2:10]

For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, not of evil... [Jeremiah 29:11]

I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. [Psalm 139:14]

I am so grateful this morning that though I let my loved ones down on a regular basis, I do not have to 'measure up' to worship and love and follow the Lord. And that there is no checklist for what I need to accomplish for God for Him to continually pour out His love and mercy on me. Christ has taken all of the punishment and wrath that was due to me through His death on the cross - and I am free because of that to bask in the love and care of my God even in the midst of disappointing those around me.

Apart from the solid foundation of His grace and love, I would most certainly be a wreck through this season of life - I am reminded daily that I do not measure up to the standards of a good wife or mom or keeper of the home. So He bids me to come to Him and ask which areas I need to work on, and then gives the wisdom and grace and the change of heart to work on them. And it's easy to get overwhelmed, because the list is so long!, but He only asks for a bit at a time. And as I carry on through my day in prayer, He is faithful to encourage me with His Word and through dear friends and my dear daughters that He sees a difference. Where others don't, or won't, or can't see a change, He knows what's different and I know that the thoughts He thinks toward me are loving ones.

I never have to measure up to perfection in the eyes of the Lord. He desires that I try all that He asks of me with excellence, but not perfection. His love is unconditional toward me because I have placed my trust in Jesus and what His death accomplished, not because of what I can accomplish for Him! What a sweet relief to my weary heart! That I can go to church this morning and worship Him, with my failures and flaws, and trust that He will continue the good work He started in me and carry it through to completion throughout the rest of my life. That He will not abandon me or withhold His love from me when I don't meet His expectations.

When I don't measure up to much in this life,

oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ!!

Not measuring up to man's standards,

but still infinitely loved by the Lord,

for His glory!

~Lisha

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Selah.

Every year, around this time, I take a moment (or two. or lots) to reflect on how it is that I've become the woman I am.

This year, I don't really know what to say that I haven't already written before. It's not for a lack of reflecting; it's just that most of what I would say has already been poured out. The only thing that has changed between all the years past and this one is now, it's been 10 years since Sarah entered God's rest and is celebrating Christmas with Jesus. And what change God can affect over the course of a decade!! My life is not what I thought it would be; but through God's grace and the power of a child's faith I am right where I need and want to be. 

I want to share what I've written before, in case you've never read or heard about how it is that I decided to follow Jesus. 

a brief introduction. (2009)

Dear Sarah, (2010)

I'm so thankful for God's abundant grace and the depth of His mercy. My heart's deepest desire is to live like I mean it, that you would want to follow Him, too!

By His grace,

and for His glory!

~Lisha

Everyone who has believed in the Lord Jesus Christ has a story of how He saves to the uttermost...

www.servantevangelism.wordpress.com

Dear Sarah,

Nine years ago tonight, at some point late in the evening, I received the news that God had called you home, peacefully, with your family at your side. I remember weeping, and not sleeping very well that night. I remember asking the God that I wasn't even sure existed why in the world He let you die when He could have healed you. I vaguely remembered the verse from the Bible that you had shared with me about God's many mansions and how you knew your room was almost ready and how very excited you were to meet Jesus and finally feel better. I wondered, again, if any of what you had said about Jesus was actually true, and for your sake I sure hoped it was.

I was surprised when I went to your funeral. There was grief; how can hearts not be broken when a child dies? But amidst the tears, there was a hope. It was something more than a 'well, at least now she's in a better place' hope; it was an unwavering hope that stems from a sure faith in what Jesus Christ accomplished by His death and resurrection (although I didn't understand that at the time). Your sweet sister gave me a butterfly pin to help remember you by. I still have it. I don't need it, though, to remember you.

For months after we all said our good-byes to you, I thought. I wrestled with the idea that anyone could be certain of God. I replayed, often, the conversation we had. You pointed out that I was a sinner in desperate need of God's magnificent grace. You explained, in your childlike way, that Jesus Christ had come and died (and rose again!), that my sins might be forgiven, so that when I too faced death I wouldn't have to be scared. I read lots of books about God. I even picked up my dusty old Bible that I got when I graduated Sunday School back in the day and I read some of it. I started praying, even. What a big step for a 19-year-old who had turned her back on anything that pertained to God.

Then I made my decision, Sarah, in April 2002. I decided that no matter what it cost me, I would follow and serve Jesus Christ. What a sweet relief to my weary soul, to know that all of my sins - large and small - had been washed away by His death, and to be so assured of my destination when my days here were complete.

Much has happened since then. I have been married for 6 1/2 years to a wonderful man and I have three beautiful little girls. Hannah just joined the family in October. Her older sisters delight in her, much the same way I'm sure Erin & Lauren delighted in you when you came along.

I'd like to think that I've given Jesus control over every area of my life; I would like to say that no matter what He asks of me I would give it in an instant because of all He has done for me. But there is one area that I struggle with so often. I wonder, if He asked of me one of my daughters for the sake of someone else's salvation, would I be so eager? The answer, almost all of the time, is one of hesitation. A mother's heart is jealous for her children. But, for my salvation, and for the sake of countless others, the Lord used you so mightily in your 9 years to draw people to Him through Jesus Christ. Your life impacted not only mine, but the lives of my husband and children. I am grateful for your life and I am grateful for the hope you had in facing death.

I pray nightly that God will use my precious girls as they grow to make others want to know more about who God is and how wonderful He is to live for. What a privilege to share the love of Jesus with them and to watch as they share His love with others. Because of you, I never take for granted how God can use the faith and love of a child to spread hope to a lost and dying world.

I look forward to worshiping Jesus with you on that side of glory, and to introducing you to my daughters!

Merry Christmas, sweet Sarah :)

Your sister in Christ,

Lisha

Broken Crayons

Elizabeth and Abby received four new boxes of crayons for Christmas. There are many things that I enjoy about life, and a brand new box of crayons is one of them. There is just something comforting about opening a new box that has nice, neat, unmarred, pointy crayons, with the paper intact, that brings a smile to my face. 

At our home, we keep all of our crayons in one of those old butter cookie tins (the blue one...you know which kind I'm talking about, right?) because it's easier to contain them all in that than for me to order each box by color every time the girls use them. As I was dumping all of the new, happy, perfectly good crayons into the tin, I thought "I'm going to use this opportunity to get rid of the broken crayons!" They are such an eyesore when you open the tin and they tend to get scattered, somehow, all over the house. And who really needs more than 200 crayons and crayon bits, anyway? 

Immediately after that thought, another thought gently spoke to my heart: "The broken ones are still useful." And so I, not wanting to throw away things that are still useful, sighed and put the broken ones back in the tub, and carried on with my day. 

As I pondered why in the entire world I was prompted to seemingly keep the broken crayons, I was also in the middle of reading a book called 'Open Heart, Open Home'. I've read it many times before, and it is a favorite of mine. It is about how to provide hospitality to a world full of people who are hurting. Who are broken. Kind of like those crayons I considered tossing. 

You know the kind of people I'm talking about. Chances are, whether or not you would admit, you are the kind of person I'm talking about. Like crayons, people get overworked, broken and misused. Sometimes they've been dulled by strain and overuse, and no one around will take time to sharpen them. Sometimes the outside layers get torn and no one is around to tape them up. Some people are mishandled, physically or emotionally, and they break in two. 

But, friends, the broken ones are still useful. How many 'broken crayons' do you know? If you know me, and I'm quite sure you do, you are friends with at least one broken crayon. Look around. Your life is full of them, I'll bet. But, the broken ones are still useful! 

Broken crayons are excellent for those rubby drawings - you know when you lay the crayon on its side and use it for a leaf or stone rubbing? They're also good to melt down to make a brand new crayon. Sometimes all you have to do is sharpen it a bit or wrap it in scotch tape to make it whole again. 

Broken people are just as beautiful and just as useful (and oftentimes moreso) than people who (seem to) have it all together. My friend, the Bible is rich with stories of broken people whom God used mightily. Look them up! 

Take some time to invest in the 'broken crayons' around you. Pick up the phone. Write a letter. Send a note on Facebook. Or, better yet, go see them in person if you can. God tells us to encourage one another and to love one another, even and especially in times of brokeness. Remind your husband, wife, children, parents, brothers, sisters, extended family, best friends, coworkers, and everyone you know that is experiencing the pain of being broken right now that they are still useful, indeed, and that the God who made them can restore them! 

And if you are the broken crayon that I'm talking about, let me just remind you, from one who has been broken (and whom God has had to tape back together many times!), that you are a treasure - even in your brokeness. Whether you are hurting physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally, God has so much in store for you. He made you with a purpose and you are not alone in your brokeness. I'm praying for you tonight, that you would know how unique and useful you are and how very much you are loved!!

Broken,
for His glory!
~Lisha

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A lesson in...vomit?

this was originally written in june of 2007 - i was 6 months pregnant with abby, and elizabeth was about 15 months old. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

so i had the '24 hour bug' on monday. it was yucky. the gastrointestinal pyrotechnics raged about every 20-30 minutes from 2am until about 2pm when i finally went to the doctor's office, because baby and i were very dehydrated. then i spent the rest of the evening on the couch watching pbs documentaries trying to sleep and keep down watered-down apple juice while will took care of elizabeth all day (he is the most amazing man that i know). 

you might think that there's not a lot to learn about puking. primarily because it's just really, really gross. 

however, as i lay in bed thinking about it monday night, i realized that puking and getting rid of sin in my life aren't really that different. there are three 'stages' to puking: 

stage 1) the really nauseous feels that makes you feel nasty, like you need to throw up. you dread it, because no one likes to throw up. it's not terribly pleasant. 

stage 2) your body actually purging itself of food and anything else that is in your body. this is undesirable, for two reasons. first, throwing up hurts your tummy, your throat, and tastes really bad. second, it makes you look downright ridiculous. your face is all contorted and someone's holding your hair back (maybe you) and you're leaning over some kind of container hoping that you don't lose it all over the floor. 

stage 3) relief. once you are done throwing up, you just feel better. (at least, i do). 

well i have been dealing with a lot of sin in my life lately. one of the biggest problems i have is being bitter toward people. you know, not forgiving them for things they have done, harboring stupid grudges, treating people badly (whether to their face or behind their backs). it's not many people, but there are some. and God showed me, in the midst of my puking, that getting rid of the bitterness in my life is going to be a lot like puking: 

stage 1) harboring bitterness makes me feel gross - not physically, but emotionally. i don't like treating people badly or harboring grudges. i don't know many people who do; it has a way of making you miserable. i know i need to change, but i dread it because it's not going to be fun or easy to change. 

stage 2) actually getting rid of the sin of bitterness, and replacing it with the love that God has called me to have towards others. when your sin is being purged, it hurts you - usually, your ego. in order to give up my bitter feelings, i need to lay down my pride and self-absorbed sense of justice and righteousness and recognize that God is the only One who is qualified to judge the person i am mad at. i also have to humble myself and love this person, regardless of what they have done to me. God doesn't tell us to only love people who love us back; He commands us to love everybody. even, and especially, our enemies (see matthew 5 and 6). it also makes you look utterly ridiculous to the outside world. forgiveness - true, complete forgiveness - is a quality that the world does not embrace or understand. as a race, humans are very reluctant to give up their sense of justice and just let things go. 

stage 3) relief!!! when i come to a place where i have truly exchanged my bitter feelings with the love, forgiveness, and compassion that Christ calls me to have for others, life is sweeter. living a life of love is much more desirable than living a life filled with bitter grudges and hatred, is it not? 

so as my body recovers from the worst (and grossest) physical illness i have had in a long time, my heart and soul rest easier, knowing that i will be recovering soon from the emotional illness of a bitter heart. even in the midst of puke, God is there, teaching and guiding. how amazing is that?!

Have mercy!

In the weeks following the miscarriage, I used the word "mercy" when I was explaining to people how I was doing.

"God has been so merciful..." 

"He has just surrounded me with His mercy." 

"In God's mercy He has...." 

After using the word about a thousand times, I was pondering what the word mercy really means. Have you ever done that before? Use a word that you are familiar with and have used before, only to realize that you really couldn't give a good definition of that word? So the words of my 7th grade Language Arts teacher rang in my head: "Look it up!" 

A Bible concordance is a wonderful resource. (For those of you unfamiliar with a concordance: it is a reference tool that lists every single word from the Bible, in alphabetical order (ours uses the King James Version), where it is found in Scripture, and shows you what Hebrew or Greek word it was translated from. 

So I cracked open the concordance and looked up "mercy", "merciful", "mercies", and "mercyseat" (they are all on the same two pages, anyway!). I found that there are 12 different words in Hebrew that are translated as "mercy" or a derivation of it in the Old Testament, 9 words translated as "mercy" or a derivation of it in the New Testament. You see, much like in our language, Hebrew & Greek words can mean similiar things but have subtle nuances that distinguish them from one another. Take "kind", "nice", "courteous", etc. All convey the same basic characteristic, but each give has a slightly different connotation.

Armed with my previous notion of what mercy is (OK, folks. Let's be honest with our Sunday School answers. "Mercy is when God doesn't give us what we deserve." Or something like that. That's what I have been told/have thought since I accepted Christ.), I looked up all of the references and Hebrew & Greek words. And...wow. 

God's mercy is more than just Him not giving us what we deserve (which is Hell. If you don't agree, we can talk about it sometime!). 

The word that is most often translated as "mercy" in the Old Testament is the Hebrew word checed (pronounced kheh-sed) It is defined as such: kindness, favor, good deed, pity. [If you want all the references where this word is located, I've got them all. Just ask.] 

For instance: my Psalm reading today was Psalm 90. Verse 14 is translated: Oh, satisfy us early with Your mercy, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days! (NKJV) 

Using the "Sunday School" definition, it could be interpreted: "Oh, satisfy us early with Your not giving us what we really deserve, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days!" 

...but...what was meant was "Oh, satisfy us early with Your kindness...Your favor...Your good deeds..., that we may rejoice and be glad all our days!" 

What a richer picture of our Father in heaven! Not that He would just satisfy us by withholding due punishment for our sins, but that He would satisfy our souls with His loving kindness and favor toward us! 

Another word that is translated as "mercy" is chanan (get out your phlegmy "ch"! It's pronouned khaw-nan), and it means to bend or stoop in kindess to an inferior, to favor, bestow, beseech, implore, grant, or intreat. It is mostly found in the Psalms: Deuteronomy 7:2, Psalm 4:1, Psalm 6:2, Psalm 9:13, Psalm 25:16, Psalm 26:11, Psalm 27:7, Psalm 30:10, Psalm 31:9, Psalm 37:21,26, Psalm 41:4,10, Psalm 51:1, Psalm 56:1, Psalm 57:1, Psalm 59:5, Psalm 67:1, Psalm 86:3,16, Psalm 119:58,132, Psalm 123:2,3, Proverbs 14:21,31. 

For example, Psalm 51:1 reads, "Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; according to the multitude of your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions." 

If you're unfamiliar with this psalm, King David of Israel wrote this after being confronted about his adultery with Bathsheba (and having her husband Uriah killed to cover up their indiscretion!). If any man had cause to beg for God not to give him what he deserved in that moment, it was King David. But if you read it with the word chanan, it is like this: "Bend down, stoop down in Your kindness towards me, even though I am not worthy of it, according to Your lovingkindness, according to Your tender mercies (which is actually another word - we'll get to that later), blot out my transgressions." It's like David is crying out, "come near me, because You love me, and take away my sin." Not this picture of a vengeful God who is again withholding just punishment, but David crying out with a broken heart to a God who will hear, respond, and wipe his slate clean. Wow. Just wow. 

How many times, when we screw up (royally, or just a little bit) do we get this notion in our finite brains that God is rolling His eyes, wondering "WHAT in the world was she thinking?" while we, on earth, are down on our knees begging God not to chastise us, when in fact, like David, we could be crying out "have mercy on me Lord! Come down and hold my hand, and please take away my sin, as only You can." [Note: sometimes, God chooses to chastise us when we sin. Not because He enjoys it, but because He loves us and wants us to learn from our mistakes.] 

(I'll pick one more Hebrew word to write about. I just realized how long this note is getting. Let me tell you, I have pages of notes, and it is all fascinating. I'll probably write more later, about the Greek words. Only God could handpick and plan the words He chose for mercy!) 

The last word I'll talk about (for now! There's 9 more!) is the Hebrew word racham (pronounced: rakh-am), and it means "compassion (of the womb), tender love, mercy, pity, cherishing. The connotation is that it is like the tender compassion a woman has toward her child. 

Let's go to Daniel 9:9. Daniel is praying for the people of Israel, who are in the captivity in Babylon. "...To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, though we have rebelled against Him." 

Can you see it!? Not, "To the Lord our God belong an ability not to punish us and to forgive us even though we have rebelled against Him" BUT "To the Lord our God belong a tender compassion and love and mercy for His people and He cherishes us and forgives us, even though we have rebelled against Him." Wow! Wow! Wow! 

Are you in awe yet? I am, completely. That the God who would be totally right to punish us for our sin, has chosen to lavish us with tender compassion, love, kindness, favor, and to pursue and implore our hearts to turn our wicked hearts back to Him. 

What a merciful God! Truly!

Thankful for His mercy,

for His glory!
~Lisha

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wonderful weakness

But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning; 
For You have been my defense 
And refuge in the day of my trouble.
To You, O my Strength, I will sing praises;
For God is my defense, 
My God of mercy.
[Psalm 59:16-17]

I am so weak right now: physically weak because of the blood loss that I experienced and everything associated with that and emotionally weak from a heart that is still broken and trying to process and understand what has happened in the wake of the miscarriage. It has been a wonder to me that my friends have mentioned my strength this week. I need to tell you, friends, that my strength does not come from a strong heart, a strong body, or even a strong faith; my strength comes from God alone.

If I was strong enough to carry myself in any capacity through this trial, why then would I need to cry out to God at all? There is none stronger than God; and for all of the Mr. Universes and Mrs. Strongwoman competitions, there is none who even comes remotely close to Him in strength and power. The Bible makes it clear that He spoke everything you see and feel (and everything you don't see and feel!) into existence. Spoke. As in, He said, "Let there be light!" and light just appeared. "Let there be trees! Mountains! The Marianas Trench! All of dry land! Fish! Duck-billed platypusses! Bacteria! Diplodocuses!" ...and they existed. He has more strength in His voice than you or I could ever hope to have in our bodies. He fashioned man out of some dust and woman out of one of the man's ribs. He is the same God who was strong enough to bear the weight of all of the sin ever on His shoulders and carried it to Calvary and He is the same God who was strong enough to overcome Death. And He is the same God who will rend the clouds and return to destroy Satan.

Why would I want my strength to come from myself, when I could find my strength in Him??? I am not strong in any means of the word. Any faith I have, He has given to me, so it's not my strong faith to begin with. It's His. 

I thank you all for the encouragement. Please, please don't mistake me; I have appreciated and been encouraged in my faith by your comments and I am so blessed to know that you realize that my God is all that I have and everything that I have. But I don't want to take the credit for being strong, when truly my strength comes from God Almighty! And I am so grateful for that. I don't have to be strong; I just need to be willing to rely fully on the strength of the God with whom all things are possible!!

Here I go.

It's hard to believe, but it's already been about a week since we realized that God had called our youngest one home to Himself. It is a weird feeling to have been pregnant, and not be pregnant anymore, with nothing physical (ie...our baby) to show for it. 

We have been completely overwhelmed by you (yes, you!!), dear friends, as so many of you have come alongside us this week to help us bear this sorrow. There have been four nights of meals, three iced coffees, surprise visits, lots of phone calls, probably about a hundred or so text and facebook messages, offers to take the girls for a couple of hours, hugs aplenty, chores and errands run for us, and many thoughts and prayers lifted up for us. How then could we remain sorrowful? 

My heart was and is broken for the death of my baby. When I saw him (I'm going to refer to Baby H as a him, not because we knew, but because "it" sounds so wretched to me) on Monday morning, it was the end of a dream. And that completely ripped my heart out! We already had picked out names and had fun guessing if it was going to be a boy or girl and dreaming about life would be like with 3 girls (aaah!) or 2 sisters with a younger brother (...aaaah!), and Monday morning the finality of it was, this time, that dream would be unfulfilled. I was crushed. And I kind of still am. 

But... 

My life is built on the truth of God's Word - the Bible. He has spoken and written it into our lives that we would be encouraged, forewarned, and taught directly by the One who spoke the universe into existence and who fashioned man in His own image. And in those pages I have found great comfort and God is using this experience to teach me many lessons. It has been such a huge week for spiritual growth in my heart. At some point in time, maybe I'll expound on these; I don't feel led to right now. In the meantime, if you want to discuss them with me...feel free. 

Lesson #1: God is completely sovereign. In all details. Always. 

Lesson #2: God is merciful. Always. 

Lesson #3: Our children are not ours; they are God's, and He gives them to us for so short a time to love and cherish and take care of. 

Lesson #4: God sometimes does give us more than we can handle so that we are reminded that we need to completely rely on His strength. (1 Corinthians 10:13 deals with God not giving us more temptation than we can bear - it doesn't promise that God will not lead us into trials that we cannot handle. [note: if you find verses that prove this lesson wrong, send me a message, please!]) 

Lesson #5: God does not waste our pain (see Lesson #1), but uses it for His glory and our good. 

Lesson #6: Painful circumstances help us to grow spiritually (see Lesson #5). 

Lesson #7: It's okay to cry and to ask for help! 

Lesson #8: My husband is an amazing man, and is just the perfect one for me. 

Lesson #9: What it truly means to lean on Jesus when I come to the end of my strength. 

Lesson #10: God is an awesome God and He deserves praise in the middle of our trials as well as in the good times! 

...so even though I am sad for my little one, I cannot help but overflow with joy. The Lord has flooded us with love this week and He has allowed me to see how He is using our pain to reach out and encourage and comfort others. My child is being taken care of by Jesus Christ, the Lord of all; he has skipped the pain and agony of mortal life, missed out on the consequences of sin, and slipped right into eternal life - so my sorrow cannot be long-lived. In fact, I realized the other day that I was even sort of envious. 

I am open to talking about the events of the past week, and about the faith and hope I have in Jesus. Please, please don't feel awkward about calling me or sending me a message to ask questions or to share what is on your heart and mind. And if you want to say something but don't know what...that's okay. Tell us that. It touches us just to know that you are thinking of us. You don't have to come up with something profound to make us feel better. 

Many thanks to each of you. We love you all!! 

In the unfailing love of God!
Will & Lisha 

Photo copyright 2006: Photography by Downing