Will got some unexpected news this week from work. Not terrible, but it was a big. old. bummer, and it was not what he wanted to hear.
The turn of events was not part of our short-term plans.
My initial reaction?
Anger.
The kind that brings irrationally hot tears and teeth-clenching.
Why?
Because I know how passionate and how excellent my husband has been at his job. And the news that came was, to me, totally and completely unfair. "Lord," I thought, "why this? Why now? Haven't we been through enough? Couldn't You have just allowed this to work?!"
and, if I had to be honest,
I was angry because my idea of what is best for Will and our family had been overturned. I am not. getting. my. way.
Will's response - a calmer, cooler "I'm not going to get worked up over it; I won't even know more until Monday" (even though he was shaken up by it all) - was much wiser than mine. And even that irritated me. (Is it just me, or do people with more self-control seem more obnoxious when I am in the middle of a tantrum?)
"Stand up for yourself!" I wanted to say. "Don't let yourself give in to this! It's stupid! How can they treat you like this! Fight back - rise up and fight for what you know you are worth!"
After biting my tongue and breathing deeply for a couple of minutes, I felt just like this:
For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. {Romans 7:15-19}
My off-the-cuff actions give my true heart condition away: in me, nothing good dwells - just bitterness, a sense of vengeance, selfishness, and irrational anger. I know in my head that it is: a) wrong to react to something like this in anger, and b) not outside of God's total sovereignty [...you know, the kind that I wrote about just the other night?! Here?!]...so why? Why do I do it?
Because I am inherently sinful - from the womb, and because even though my sins were all paid for on the cross, I will struggle against sin for the rest of my life. Through Jesus, I can choose whether or not to sin; I am no longer a slave to it, but I still have to actively choose in each circumstance how I'm going to react or act. And sometimes (too often) - I allow sin to have the temporary victory.
I have to train my head and my heart to react in pressure situations - train them to react in a way that absolutely honors the Lord.
What I will to do, that I do not practice - but it doesn't let me off the hook from trying to practice even after my 1,000,000th fail.
Here's what I *should* do when something starts to rile my emotions and I'm not getting my way:
1) PRAY. Short and sweet if need be! 'Jesus, help me by reminding me that You are in control, even of this!"
2) PROCLAIM the truth of the Word. For me, it helps if I read it out loud! Here are some that I have written in strategic places all over the house to turn to at a moment's notice:
3) PRAISE. I want to undermine whiny, self-centered thoughts. Praising the Lord fills my heart, mind, and home with the reminder that He's got this, and that He's awesome at all times, no matter what happens.
After the reassurance of my calm husband, the Lord & His Word, and my sweet Titus 2 mentor - I was able to calm down. To breathe peacefully, and cast this care upon the Lord. And able to try to encourage my husband to wait on the Lord, rather than tell him to do something unwise (run ahead of the Lord to fight on his own merit, and/or hit people).
I have no idea what Monday will bring, except the continued reassurance and hope that God is always revealing His greatness & goodness in all situations. Even the ones I didn't plan for.
Where do you turn in the Word when life doesn't go as planned?
Praying, proclaiming, and praising,
for His glory! ~Lisha
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"You say you have a conviction to be home with the girls. I don't think you do. I think when you say that, you mean you just don't want to work outside the home. In fact, I think it means you don't want to work at all....your problem is that no one is calling you out on your "conviction". You need to be called out to see if you really mean it."
Sometimes, the words that cut deepest are the ones that might have some truth to them. Sometimes, those cutting words come from those who are closest to us, whether they mean us harm or not.
Sometimes, I need to be called out and made sure that I'm sure of what and why I hold the convictions I cling to. Why do I feel the need to be home? Is it because it's easier than going out and working? Maybe. I do struggle with laziness and I don't like confrontation, so it's easier for me to be home and out of humanity's way. My kids can't fire me when I have a terrible day; they are much more likely to hug & forgive me.
I'd like to think it's more noble than that; that I am called to be home with my daughters because the Lord of glory determined it from the get-go - but I'm often met with 'yeah, that's everyone's excuse: God wants them to. and you can find a verse or two to back yourself up" when I say that.
So now, it's time to reassess what I have come to believe about a mother and a wife...back to the Word I go. Lord, should the truth be laziness, reveal it to me plainly and cause me to turn my back on it by doing what You need me to do to be the wife You've called me to be.
Have you ever been 'called out' to examine why you believe what you do?
for Your glory, Jesus,
call me out into Your truth,
~Lisha
Have you ever been in a place where you feel apathetic to what God is doing in your life, or what He's trying to do in your life? I'm there. now.
It started with a desperate plea. "Jesus. Whatever You do, please don't let go of me. Just. don't. let. go. I'm prone to walk away from You. Don't let me do that." <---me, last January, after a few rough months.
And it dwindled to "Jesus. Whatever You do, please keep not-letting-go of me. Just. don't. let. go. I'm empty. Not growing, just barely surviving. And that doesn't really bother me right now. Please, don't let me do anything to dishonor You." <---me, a couple of weeks ago, after things just kept going from bad to worse after those few rough months.
2013 has gone down in the books as an agonizingly difficult year for my heart.
For a number of reasons. It doesn't matter terribly what they are. What matters is, what do I do when I am apathetic to whether or not I'm growing spiritually? Because right now, I don't care.
There have been times when I've been angry. frustrated. doubtful. worried. and at least I can say that Ifelt something during those days...but right now, there is nothing feely going on in my heart, as far as my relationship with the Lord goes. It's like a vacuum. I know it shouldn't be that way, and I know I don't want it to be that way. But I can't seem to break free of it, just yet.
As I'm slogging through my apathy, I've found that God has provided these boundaries for me as He is faithfully answering my prayer to not let go of me:
*Read anyway.*
Over the past couple of weeks, I do not feel like getting up and reading my Bible - in the morning or really at any time. I don't. I'd rather sleep in, or check to see if I have any new comments or messages or pins...anything else. But I get up, and read at least one verse from somewhere in the Bible. Psalm 13 is a favorite passage. If I can, I read whatever I choose out loud to the girls while they eat breakfast. It sort of keeps me accountable (because if I miss it - they notice).
My head knows lots of Scriptures. I know His promises and His admonitions. But that doesn't mean I can limp along on just what I've read before...He bids me to remind myself every day.
And somedays, I read and think "meh. I've read that before." But just maintaining the habit of reading will bear fruit. And I don't know if one simple verse will be the verse that He uses to spring my heart back to growing. He said that His Word will not return to Him void.
*Pray anyway.*
One of the most frustrating parts of praying is that I pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and....................
I feel like I'm talking to a wall because I don't see anything happening.
But He reminds me often - through my children saying "oh, but Mom, we need to pray", or by the verses I've hung up around the house - that He desires that I persevere in prayer. And, He can handle my honesty - my doubts, my frustration, my questions, my ugliest thoughts, and my confession of total disinterest right now. The truth is that He is a loving Father, and He wants to hear what's on my heart.
...but I do need to remember that while He is a loving God, He is a holy God and I need to share those things with reverence. Even though I don't feel that He's working, the truth is that He is, and He is sovereign.
And when I'm done pouring out my sorrows and hurts, I need to listen. That's part of prayer, too.
*Teach anyway.*
Every morning, we have Bible time and prayer & praise time. Even though I'm so tempted to let this slide and just let them pop in a movie while I have my coffee alone, God reminds me every morning that whether or not I want to, I have a responsibility to the girls to teach them the truths of God. So I use an excellent children's devotional (Leading Little Ones to God), and I pretty much just read straight out of it, along with a verse or two.
Teaching doesn't have to be formal, either. My girls have gotten more of a lesson than I will ever know on what it looks like for a woman to walk through a difficult time. And in spite of me, God is working on their hearts. I must continue to speak the truth into their lives even when I'm struggling to live it out.
{A note. There is a marked difference between a mom who demands one thing of her children and lives by an entirely different example, and a mom who strives alongside her children with gentle honesty, each falling at times and helping one another through the hard seasons.}
There are times when my girls would see me crying, and ask what was wrong, and I would pull them up into my lap and read a Psalm out loud to them. And I would spend time explaining that Mommy's heart is sad, and that God says that is okay and He listens, but that I still need to remember that He's good to me all of the time. They know I don't measure up - and they see me get up again and again by His grace and in His strength alone. Right now, I feel down for the count, and the girls have been sweet to use the verses and songs they know to help me. Teach anyway.
*Sing anyway.*
Right now, there are few praise songs that I want to sing. But it doesn't make their message less true. I have a short list of songs that gently help me to thank God for His patience with and love for me even in these barren times. Here is one that I have listened to every day for weeks:
"Though You Slay Me"
Shane & Shane ft. John Piper
*Fellowship anyway.*
Proverbs 18:1 says that a man who isolates himself seeks his own desire and rages against all wise judgment.
Whoa. That seems pretty harsh to me. Especially right now, because most days I'm content to be home and not bother people.
To cut myself off from other people who could encourage, build up, listen, or pray for me would be foolish. And God has provided people who check in, who call, who pray, who seem to not tire of asking me how I'm doing - and they really, actually, truly want to know the honest answer. They aren't scared off by my "meh"-ness, or by tears of frustration with myself...because many of those He's put in my path have been there and can remind me that this is just a season.
In Exodus 17, Moses is standing on a hill while the Israelites are fighting a battle. As long as his hands are lifted in the air, Israel is victorious; when he lowers his arms, the enemy starts gaining the upper hand. After a while, his arms are feeling understandably heavy - and two men come alongside him and hold up his arms, that the battle might be won by Israel. I tear up now, even thinking about that story, because it is the picture God gives me when a friend calls me up just to ask how I'm doing, or when a lady from church stops by with dinner 'just because', or when my parents, brother, or close friends let me know that they are here. They are lifting up my arms toward heaven until this battle is over and I am rejuvenated in my spirit.
It is necessary that when I want to cut myself off from others, I remember that interaction with others is important. Not only for my encouragement, but to help me get my mind out of my own pity-party and focus on the needs and struggles of people I know. This journey He's called me to, with the events of the year, is not only about me. It's about how He is working through my life to make much of His might, love, and patience.
*Obey anyway*
This is probably the most difficult one right now.
Obedience is not based on my circumstances. Even when I don't care about my own spiritual growth, it is vital that I obey the words of my Lord.
In fact, if the Bible is only obeyed when times are good and I'm feeling in tune with God - then it is not, in fact, obedience. Choosing to obey in spite of how I feel (or don't feel, in this case) is sometimes a hard choice. No, I don't feel like being kind. No, I don't feel like hoping all things. No, I don't feel like giving thanks in all circumstances.
But He wants obedience.
And He gives me the fortitude to obey; and when I choose to disobey (which is too often), He gives me extravagant grace when I come back and confess that I messed up.
...All of this doesn't mean that I never have moments of genuine feeling. Oh, I do - on both ends of the spectrum!! It just means that in general, I'm having a rough time right now. When I post verses, songs, thoughts, etc, it's because they've stirred my heart and I need to share that. I realize that to some, doing all these things anyway when I don't feel it could seem cold and calculated, but it's really an act of trust. I believe that as I press on in spite of being stagnant that there will come a time of tenderheartedness and rejoicing before the Lord. I'm not there yet.
Apathy stinks. But I am grateful that I can stand on the rock of God's Word and not on the shifting sand of my own experiences & (lack of) feelings. This is just a season; it will pass. He will provide the strength to press on. But it in meantime, Jesus, please keep holding me close to You.
Following Him anyway,
for His glory!
~Lisha
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Photo credit: Molly Viglione Photography 2013 Sometimes I feel like a few of my big dreams have gone unfufilled,
but then I remember that God is not limited to my dreams for me.
Something that I've been wrestling is this: would God give me a dream - a desire of my heart - that He does not intend to fulfill?!
It's easy to run to a verse like Psalm 37:4 where it says 'He will give you the desires of your heart'. The old "build your theology around and hang your hopes on a single verse" - which is always, always a bad idea. Always. The idea that God is bound to give me whatever my little heart desires is just not in line with all the rest of Scripture. (Remember, Scripture also says the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things {Jeremiah 17:9}...so how do those two verses mesh?)
Without reading the verses around it, or taking in the whole counsel of God, I'd feel kind of iffy about God's ability to keep His Word, because truth be told, I have unfulfilled dreams in my heart.
At least, on the surface, I think I do. For example-
I want to be loved. I mean, LOVED!, by my husband. In the way that Christ loved His church and gave Himself up for her. I want to feel cherished, treasured, defended, taken care of, and valued - every day, all the time! But marriage has difficult seasons, and some days are just no-good and terrible. There have been years of our marriage when we have both felt lonely & empty for a myriad of reasons. It's not what either of us had dreamed up when we said we do for better or worse. But what about that longing to be loved? Has God forgotten about my heart?
Since I was in 4th grade, I've wanted to be a teacher. A middle school math teacher - yes, you saw that correctly. I am crazy, and I did write middle school math teacher. :) I taught in an excellent school for just 2 years before our oldest daughter was born. I have not regretted a day of being home with my daughters, but I often wish that I could have some way to connect with middle school students and impact their lives somehow in a school-type setting. God gave me the ability to teach - did He put me on the shelf when I started having children?
And I'd love to have a home full to bursting with little ones. Before Elizabeth was even thought of, I had a list of 14 names (first & middle) that I knew I just had to use some day. We've got three amazingly beautiful daughters, and one baby that we never really got to know. For now, three is just right; my days are full and resources seem limited with the ones we have - but I can't help the disappointment each month that comes when I realize that there will not be another little one, at least this time around. After almost a decade of being married, I'd hoped by now to have 5 or 6 sweet ones to kiss and squeeze and sing to and love on. God says over and over that children are a blessing, and I'm willing to receive as many as He'll give...why isn't He taking me up on that?
I've been praying for these dreams to come true for years. and that feels like a long time to wait!!
I was driving home from grocery shopping (alone) the other night and taking the opportunity to ask the Lord why, if He'd given me these desires, He wasn't fulfilling them. The desires I have are good ones, so how come my life doesn't look the way I think it should?!
My daughter, He started,you're not seeing everything the way I see it.
If you felt loved and secure all of the time by your husband, you wouldn't need to seek Me and My heart for you. You wouldn't depend on and abide in My love for you. I fulfill your desire to be loved when you spend time with Me and let Me remind you how precious you are. Don't look to man to love you - look to Me. And you'll be able to love him generously out of the overflow of My love, no matter what the years bring. You are a teacher. I've given you three little girls who will one day be young ladies and they are learning from you, day in and day out. All those years of formal training were for a purpose. And I've placed you in a church with a thriving middle & high school outreach! I've given you the best of both worlds - you don't have to fill out report cards or attend staff meetings AND you get to impact the young ladies you love by speaking into their lives and taking them out for breakfast. And what about tutoring? I've given you that outlet so you can help them with math - while working from home. And what's this talk about wanting more children? I've given you four - which is an infinite treasure! If I never bless you with another, you have riches untold already. And how do you know I'm never going to call you to adopt, or foster, or carry another little one? There's still time! But not now, my dear. And what about all of the young ladies in your life whom you love like daughters? Just because they don't live under your roof doesn't mean you can't love them, too.
Sometimes, He fulfills our dreams quite plainly for us. Or He may do it in a roundabout way {as we see it, anyway}. And then there are the times when He doesn't, because His purpose in not fulfilling that heart's desire is so that we'll remember that He should be the desire & delight of our hearts.
When I'm about the business of first trusting Him, then feeding on His faithfulness, and then delighting myself in Him alone...then He gives me the desires of my heart because my heart will be in line with His! And where there's a desire that seems to be forgotten, I can rest in the truth that He knows precisely what He's doing. For my good, and for His glory...{see Romans 8:28}
Learning to delight in Him
and rest in His plan,
for His glory!
~Lisha
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Abby had her annual well-child checkup on Wednesday. When the doctor came in and asked if I had any questions or concerns, I piped up. Lately, I can be standing only feet away from her, and speaking to her normally - and she completely ignores me. But not in a defiant way - just...I don't know...like she genuinely can't hear me.
I know kids can have selective hearing sometimes, but this is different.
Hmmm. He looked at the results of the hearing test the nurse had administered only 10 minutes previous: she had passed, but "certainly not with flying colors." In fact, she had just barely eeked by.
"I'll take a look," he said.
He did. "No wonder she's not listening to you," he said as he put the otoscope in the second ear, "I can't even see her eardrums. There is so much wax build up in the way."
The remedy? So easy. A warm-water-and-peroxide flush, and follow up with peroxide drops in the ear once a day for a few days. Her hearing is already improved quite a bit, because we're working to clean the blockage out.
I AM SO MUCH LIKE MY CHILDREN SOMETIMES.
How often has God pleaded with me, never far from me, only for me to not hear Him? As in, not deliberately disobeying Him, but I can't hear His still, steady voice?
What is blocking me from hearing Him?
Noise. Almost constant noise in my life. I say that I like silence, but I don't mean that. I mean I like it when I'm not being bothered - but honestly, I can't stand total silence. There is almost always some form of noise in the background. Otherwise, I might have the presence of mind to memorize and meditate on God and His Word, and hear those still, soft thoughts that keep trying to make their way past the clamor.
Perhaps it's the radio. A movie. A TV Show. Praise music. Sermons. Long chats.
"But Lisha!!!" you are thinking, "those are all good things! God speaks to us sometimes through all of those ways!"
He does - and He often does in my life, too. Those things aren't bad - unless they are keeping me from hearing His Words clearly - and sometimes, I find I rely on the radio, music, sermons, & what other people are saying about God instead of seeking His face and His heart for myself.
More often than not, I find in the Scriptures that the Lord will speak when we are willing to be still before Him, with time in His Word and in prayer. Alone. No podcasts or Pandora, no TV or talking it up with a friend. Just escaping the din and resting quietly before Him in anticipation of hearing what He has to say.
And, for me (NOTTT a morning person), for YEARS God has been asking me to be willing to rise up early in the morning. To listen to & commune sweetly with Him before my day begins. I keep trying. Most of my quiet time happens either in the afternoon when the girls have 30-ish minutes of "rest time" (or, 'please-stay-quietly-in-your-bedroom-time'), or after everyone else is in bed.
I am so grateful for the many lessons God has taught me through the ordinary moments (like cleaning wax out of little ears!) with my daughters, and how He prompts me to press on toward Jesus through His extraordinary patience & grace.
Lord, help me to cut out any noise that's keeping me from listening to You.
Do you find that you are addicted to noise and to what other people say and sing about the Lord instead of listening for Him on your own?
I want to hear Him,
for His glory! ~Lisha
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Two Big and Really Important Things that I needed to confront head-on today:
#1) I will let people down. No matter what you think of me, or how much you love me (or don't). I have before, and I will again. Too many times to count.
My temper will be short at a time when you need encouragement.
I will break a promise.
My words will shatter your day.
A decision I make, no matter how much prayer and thought I put into it, will leave you baffled or bewildered.
I will forget about plans I made with you.
My bad day will spill over into your world and dampen it.
Why? '...all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.' [Romans 3:23]. I am included in that 'all'.
A corollary to Big and Really Important Thing #1: People will let me down sometimes. For some or all of the above reasons.
#2) God will not let you down. No matter what you think of Him, or how much you love Him (or don't). He has never, nor will He. His record is impeccable.
He is patient and ready with a loving word. {Psalm 145:8, Zephaniah 3:17}
He never breaks His promises. Not one. {Deuteronomy 7:9, Daniel 9:4}
His Words are meant to help you grow in truth & grace. Sometimes they sting a bit, but it's always for your good. {John 17:17, 2 Peter 3:18, Proverbs 27:6}
His decision will also sometimes leave you baffled and bewildered, but because He is totally trustworthy, you can stand fast on the fact that it's the best decision. {Isaiah 55:8-9}
He never forgets His plans for you. And His plans are perfect. {Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 139:13-16}
He doesn't ask you to bear the brunt of all of the sorrow He carries. {Matthew 11:28-30}
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There has been an overwhelming sense of relief in remembering those two truths today. The people-pleaser in me cringes at the thought that I have disappointed others so; and sometimes I wallow in bitterness when others let me down; the reality I need to cling to is that I do disappoint, and so do those I love. But God never fails nor forsakes! And that is why it is SO crucial that I place my trust in God alone, and invite others to do the same by the way I live.
When you let me down - know that my job is not to judge or condemn, it's to forgive liberally and point you to Jesus. Don't let fear keep you away from me.
When I let you down - please, please pray that God would move my heart to confess any sin and seek forgiveness. And please, with grace & mercy, let me know. You are not letting me down when you encourage me to be more like Jesus.
And when all the letting down is done, we can rejoice together that God has not let either of us down. Nor will He. Ever.
Rejoicing that God never fails,
even when I do,
for His glory!
~Lisha
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I mean, that maybe when other people look at you, they see that you've set the bar so high for yourself that we all assume that you set the bar that high for us too - even if you don't think you do? And that some people feel inadequate just being around you, or when they see your online posts, or when you're teaching..."
The Lord knows that I'm in a time of my life when I need to hear hard things. I've had conversations where something like the above comment was mentioned FIVE times in the last couple months - which means God is trying a message through!! And He has been faithful to put in my path a women who are faithful to speak those hard things. In love, because they care. He has also given me the gift of Will, who knows me better than anyone else, and is openly honest with me about my weaknesses.
When it comes to my own heart and my relationship with the Lord - I want perfection. I want excellence all of the time. I want to be a beautiful ambassador for Jesus.
I have been so full of pride. I have faltered while thinking I'm okay.
One of the proverbs that utterly. terrifies. me. is 25:26: A righteous man who falters before the wicked is like a murky spring and a polluted well.
Do you know what happens when people try to find refreshment by drinking from a murky spring or polluted well?! Disease! Maybe even death! They end up sicker and weaker than when they began!
I cannot describe to you the deep-down terror I feel at the idea that someone would come to me for encouragement, or examine my life to see what Jesus is all about, and go away from me spiritually weaker than when they began. I want my life, my heart, my words, my actions, my motives to be a neon sign that points straight to Jesus Christ and His mercy and love and patience and might - always. And because of that, I don't graciously tolerate less than perfection from myself, as it pertains to my journey with the Lord.
The strife comes when I project that desire for "perfect" onto other people. Like my husband, or daughters, or fellow moms, or other brothers & sisters in the Lord, or ...anyone. There is pain, discord, and broken fellowship when I hold them to the standard that only Jesus Christ can attain!
People let people down. I let people down every single day (mainly, Will & the girls, because they are who I spend most of my time with!). It's what people do! I have been so foolish to expect & require perfection from everyone around me and myself. For years, I have been breaking hearts and driving the people I love the most AWAY from the Savior, because I inadvertently expected them to look exactly like Him when really I expected that I should look exactly like Him.
God is showing me (because I'm finally willing to see!!) that there is a huge difference between:
1) expecting/demanding consistent excellence from myself and others, and
2) striving toward becoming excellent in those areas where Jesus has called me while gently guiding and encouraging others to also strive toward excellence in those areas where Jesus has called them.
For instance:
Doing these things
demanding my daughters have a perfectly clean room, flawless manners, and impeccably sweet attitudes all of the time only teaches my daughters that it's the outward appearance that matters.
expecting myself to be able to maintain a perfectly clean home every single day only leave me feeling guilty and overwhelmed by my struggle with laziness - and may compel me to only worry about the surface cleaning - taking shortcuts to make sure everything looks okay at a first glance.
requiring that my husband should always be completely loving - patience, kind, not arrogant, not rude, never failing - teaches him that I think he's a failure because he can't do what only Jesus can do.
...kills joy, love, peace, patience...you name it. No wonder I'm a drag to be around! Ugh!
But this approach
extending grace to my girls when their room is not clean - maybe giving appropriate consequences when they trash the place but understanding that they are girls and they love to play with each other (and what a huge blessing that is!), or reminding them as many times as necessary to say thank you/please/excuse me/etc because love is kind, or remembering that even I don't have an impeccably sweet attitude all of the time and showing them what repentance looks like when I don't...that teaches them that the Lord cares about their hearts and how they treat others.
giving myself grace when the dishes are still in the sink or the laundry is still in the washer, and just getting up every morning and trying for one. more. day. to battle the desire to be lazy, knowing that each small victory is a step toward excellence.
encouraging Will to look to Jesus as the example while pouring grace and mercy all over his heart when he gets distracted...
fosters life - abundant life in Christ! - and growth in the Spirit.
Oh, Lord, I'm so slow, but I'm learning. I'm so sorry that I resisted Your way of grace for so long, to Will's grief and the girls' frustration, and to the hurt of my friends & family. Help me to let go of my deadly grip on intimidating perfection & my own excellence, and to lean hard on Your grace, Your compassion, and Your excellence. It's not my perfection in You that draws people; it's You loving me patiently in my imperfection that is most beautiful.
Seeking His excellence,
for His glory!
~Lisha
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Amy Carmichael was a Irish lady who spent 55 years of her life ministering to the children & women of India at the Dohnavur Fellowship which she founded in 1901. I love to read about her life and read her books & poetry.
One of my favorite pieces is a collection of brief thoughts & poems titled "If." They challenge my heart afresh, each time I read them. I'm sharing a few that really spoke to my heart this evening, in this season of my life. There are so many areas of my life where I 'know nothing of Calvary love'! Do you find yourself in any of these?
If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another;
if I can in any way slight another in conversation,
or even in thought,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
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If I take offence easily;
if I am content to continue in cold unfriendliness,
though friendship be possible,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If I belittle those whom I am called to serve,
talk of their weak points in contrast
perhaps with what I think of as my strong points;
if I adopt a superior attitude,
forgetting "Who made thee to differ?
and what hast thou that thou hast not received?"
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If a sudden jar can cause me
to speak an impatient, unloving word,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill
even one drop of bitter water,
however suddenly jolted.
If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me;
if my fellows hesitate to ask it
and turn to someone else,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
When an answer I did not expect
comes to a prayer which I believed I truly meant,
I shrink back from it;
if the burden my Lord asks me to bear
be not the burden of my heart's choice,
and I fret inwardly and do not welcome His will,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If I can easily discuss
the shortcomings and the sins of any;
if I can speak in a casual way
even of a child's misdoings,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If I am afraid to speak the truth lest I lose affection,
or lest the one concerned should say,
"You do not understand",
or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness;
if I put my own good name
before the other's highest good,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me,
as it seems to me, unjustly,
forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself
they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
[Amy Carmichael]
Desperate to know ever more of Calvary love,
for His glory!
~Lisha
How I Planned For This Morning To Go:
-Wake up earlier than the girls & get ready
-Quiet time (Bible reading, prayer time)
-Make the girls breakfast, and wake them up to the smell of eggs & sausage
-Bible lesson with the girls about how God always takes care of us
-Morning chores with the girls
-Get the girls showered & dressed
-Little bit of school work - reading out loud & math (they love doing school. every day!)
-Help E with her flush procedure
How It Really Went Down:
-Woke up to H crying loudly, and A&E crying because H was crying
-Made breakfast for the girls (dry cereal)
-Watched H have a meltdown in her seat because she didn't want that for breakfast and "I'm not thankful" (said after prayer). Removed H from seat and did not allow her to join us at the table until she stopped screaming and was in a more grateful mood (which did not happen for a little while!).
-Bible time & prayer with a squirming H in my lap while bigger girls finish breakfast
-Bible lesson with the girls about how God always takes care of us
-A announcing that she feels like she's going to (.....takes off for the bathroom) ...throw up.
-Try to soothe A, who is lying on the bathroom floor and crying because her belly hurts
-E, while I was taking care of A, got out some construction paper and scissors and starting being creative alllllllll over the living room by cutting up said paper into hundreds of tiny little pieces, and then
-H getting hold of said scissors and cutting up stickers, papers, and lots of other fun stuff.
-Forget you, morning chores.
When I'm able to prepare for and order my mornings before I go to bed the previous evening, I feel like I've got this homemaker/mom thing DOWN.
And when my plan is blown 5 minutes into the morning, it's easy to believe the lie that I am the WORST, most ill-prepared and ill-equipped woman on the planet who ever bore children. Especially when I immediately give in to the grumpy attitude that rises up when I realize things are not going my way.
Sometimes, junky mornings happen. Way more often than I care to admit. But I'm learning - slowly, but surely - that junky mornings are a FANTASTIC lesson for my girls in how to:
1) stop what I am doing, and pray;
2) confess that my grumpiness is from my selfish belief that things need to go the way I plan;
3) remind myself that I can plan my day all I want, but ultimately I have no control over how things turn out;
4) choose gratitude and joy even as the day is not going as I planned.
I received a chance to practice patience this morning (I blew it, though, so then I received a chance to ask for forgiveness and show my girls what it looks like to screw up, confess, and trust God's forgiveness!). If things had gone my way, I wouldn't have needed to be patient. I also received a chance to snuggle H when she was sad, and rub A's back while she was being sick, and I got to watch E's tender heart toward her sisters when she fetched H's blankie and brought A a cup of water - both without being asked. All things I would have missed it my idea for a smooth morning had been carried out.
Thank You, Lord, for mornings that don't go as planned. Keep my heart soft always toward the lessons You have for the girls & I when Your plan differs from mine.
Trusting God's plan for my day is better than mine,
for His glory!
~Lisha
God has been doing a deep and mighty work in my heart lately.
He is teaching me (or, I'm finally realizing even though He's been showing me all along!) that I have been living:
1) acting like I have it all together, instead living honestly even when I don't;
2) serving my family because it's a necessary duty, instead serving my family joyfully because I love them;
3) wanting others to see how spiritual I am, instead of openly acknowledging that I am not unless I'm in Christ; and
4) feeling guilty under the weight of my sin instead of fearing the LORD in such a way that I do not choose to sin in the first place and accepting His total forgiveness.
It is a painful place for me to be. Daily I'm being reminded that I, apart from the redemptive work of Christ, am not.
Am not what?
complete. wise. mature. spiritual. loving. kind. joyful. patient. faithful. tempered in my appetites. an excellent wife. a dedicated mother. a decent friend. a decent human being.
Lest you think that I'm in a state of despair - read on! When the Lord chastens and humbles His daughter in such a way, it's because He loves me. Fiercely and completely. Enough to inflict a momentary hurt in exchange for eternal freedom. I hurt, but I know it's because I am loved by Almighty God. I know that this is a good pain to be experiencing. I am not hopeless! Sorrowful, ashamed, angry with myself at times - yes. But never hopeless. The joy that I have right now is that I can put full trust in Jesus and His Word. There will be exuberant joy afterward. But now, a quiet underlying joy that reminds me that He is molding me to be more and more like Jesus.
And here are the sermons and studies that God used powerfully to bring me to this place in my journey with Him:
...and pretty much any of the Psalms and the book of Romans.
Humbled and clinging to Jesus,
for His glory!
~Lisha :)
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
a broken and a contrite heart—
these, O God, You will not despise! [Psalm 16-17]
I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God!, that you may obey His voice!, and that you may cling to Him!, for He is your life and the length of your days!!!!; [Deuteronomy 30:19-20]
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and instruction. [Proverbs 1:7]
He must increase, but I must decrease. [John 3:30]
When pride comes, then comes shame;
but with the humble is wisdom. [Proverbs 11:2]
From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?” But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life!! Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!" [John 6:66-69]
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. [Ephesians 2:10]
For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, not of evil... [Jeremiah 29:11]
I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. [Psalm 139:14]
I am so grateful this morning that though I let my loved ones down on a regular basis, I do not have to 'measure up' to worship and love and follow the Lord. And that there is no checklist for what I need to accomplish for God for Him to continually pour out His love and mercy on me. Christ has taken all of the punishment and wrath that was due to me through His death on the cross - and I am free because of that to bask in the love and care of my God even in the midst of disappointing those around me.
Apart from the solid foundation of His grace and love, I would most certainly be a wreck through this season of life - I am reminded daily that I do not measure up to the standards of a good wife or mom or keeper of the home. So He bids me to come to Him and ask which areas I need to work on, and then gives the wisdom and grace and the change of heart to work on them. And it's easy to get overwhelmed, because the list is so long!, but He only asks for a bit at a time. And as I carry on through my day in prayer, He is faithful to encourage me with His Word and through dear friends and my dear daughters that He sees a difference. Where others don't, or won't, or can't see a change, He knows what's different and I know that the thoughts He thinks toward me are loving ones.
I never have to measure up to perfection in the eyes of the Lord. He desires that I try all that He asks of me with excellence, but not perfection. His love is unconditional toward me because I have placed my trust in Jesus and what His death accomplished, not because of what I can accomplish for Him! What a sweet relief to my weary heart! That I can go to church this morning and worship Him, with my failures and flaws, and trust that He will continue the good work He started in me and carry it through to completion throughout the rest of my life. That He will not abandon me or withhold His love from me when I don't meet His expectations.
When I don't measure up to much in this life,
oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ!!
Not measuring up to man's standards,
but still infinitely loved by the Lord,
for His glory!
~Lisha
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The girls & I read a Bible story or two every morning. It's part of our school routine, but more importantly than that, it is precious to me that we get to spend time thinking and talking about God's Word!
This morning, we were reading about Daniel's friends Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego, and their refusal to bow before the King Nebuchadnezzar's golden idol, thus worshiping a false god. For the account, see Daniel 3. The punchline is that the king has the three men thrown in the furnace - and yet, to his surprise and terror, they are not consumed by the flames!
Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?”
They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.”
“Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God." [Daniel 3:24-25]
www.access-jesus.com
As I finished reading, Abby was very excited and blurted out: "The Son of God and man walking with them is JESUS! It's JESUS next to them in the fire!! Yay!!"
...The Lord, in His wisdom and great love, speaks so clearly to the hearts of little children, because they are receptive to His truths!! And I needed to hear that truth this morning, and be tenderly reminded that when we feel that we have been thrown headlong into the fiery furnace (even when we have been earnestly walking with the Lord in obedience!) that it is Jesus who walks alongside us in the midst of the flames. And oh! that the ties that bind us are burned off, but we are called out, refined yet not even singed by the fires of our enemy. He covers us. It is a balm to my heart in this season of intense fire and refining - He is here! Now! Walking in the furnace with me!
I love my dear children. And as I live with and learn from them, I love Jesus even more. What a wonderful Savior!
In the furnace, but not alone,
for His glory!
~Lisha :)
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Sometimes, God asks us to do things not because He plans on making them "successful" the way the world sees success, but because He's working something out for another time - something we can't see yet.
[I think that bothers some people. Whether they claim to follow Jesus or not. The idea that God will not always financially prosper us when we obey Him is a frightening concept for people who place a lot of their security in money. Does it bother you?]
Obedience to God always brings blessing. He says so in His Word, therefore it is true. Those who are obedient are promised blessings and prosperity. But blessings and prosperity are not equal to money, the newest cell phones, cable, new clothes for you or your kids, a cushy house, your new SUV, or great health. The greatest blessing from the Lord that we can receive is to be close to Him, and if a struggling business, or losing a baby, or a chronic health condition is what will bring me to that point of closeness, I will walk through it in faith that He knows what is best.
And now what? We don't really know. In 9 days, we'll pack up and close the Bible House. So far, there's no other employment; Will has applied but we're waiting. And through it all, God will continue to be faithful.
My prayer through this time is that you, dear friends, see clearly the hand of God's provision and His unyielding faithfulness even when we fall short of His glory (which is often!). Do not look at what we've done as a waste, for nothing in God's economy is wasted. He is conforming us to the likeness of Christ; He is using our story to draw people to follow Him for eternity! How can there be anything more blessed or prosperous than that?!
Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul! I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear. But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer, nor His mercy from me!! [Psalm 66:16-20]
I feel like now is a grand time to declare what the Lord has been doing for my soul these past few months! He has been renovating my life in so many ways! Bear with me; my thoughts are unorganized. I'm about to pour out what's on my heart & mind...
My desire to know more about who God is and what He has done and is doing and will do is intensifying. Some people can't start their day without coffee; I find that I can no longer start my day well unless I've had ample time to read the Word and pray. What a difference it makes! No, it doesn't magically make everything go well; I mean that it makes a world of difference in the way that I react to what is happening around me. I still have days when kids pee on the floor or sisters fight or break things or scream at me or lie. I have days when people I love die or end a friendship with me or I'm berated for the choices I've made. But in all those things, there is a peace that passes all understanding; there is patience with some to spare; there is on my tongue the law of kindness and wisdom - all mine from the Lord if I'm but willing to take time to ask for it!
God is bringing peace and restoration to our marriage. I tend to be stubborn, selfish, and critical often with Will. And the Lord is convicting me and softening up this ugly heart. I am finding that the more I let the Word of Christ dwell richly in me - the more I just am so overwhemingly grateful for the gift God has given to me in having Will as my husband (corny joke time: I married God's Will!! pahahahahahaha. OK.)
Even though Elizabeth is testing her ability to be both openly AND passive-aggressively defiant, and Abby spends quite a bit of time some days standing with her face to the wall, and Hannah has a blatant disregard for the term "no" - I am finding joy! real joy! in loving and training my girls how to be women of the Word of God and enjoying the privilege of being their teacher (and all of the other roles that I get to fill). When I get frustrated with them (which happens often some days, especially those days when I haven't fed my soul with Scripture!) and snap, mock, or yell at them, God is teaching me and humbling me by giving them such forgiving hearts. A wife and mom - what a noble calling, for them that are called!
And most noticeably (for me), is the increase of faith in God as Jehovah-Jireh (The God who Provides!). Will and I were obedient to God's call on our hearts over a year and a half ago to start the process of opening up His Bible house here in town. We don't know what we're doing in the way of running a business - we just follow His lead. And there have been periods of time when we haven't heard His voice as clearly because like Peter, we've stopped staring at Jesus and instead looked around to realize He's got us doing something dangerous. "Lord! Save us! We're drowning! We don't have an income to rely on! Bills are due! Girls need shoes! Phones are shut off! Jesus! We can't do this - it's not natural!!"
And the reason it doesn't seem natural to leave a decently-paying job when you have a wife and three small girls at home to open a Christian bookstore in the middle of a recession is because IT ISN'T NATURAL. It's super-natural. All that has been accomplished through the Bible House is because God alone has orchestrated it. We're not faithful superheroes. We are a couple of ordinary, uninteresting people whom God has chosen to render others speechless and uncomfortable.
We have seen God's miraculous doings. When we seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, He adds unto us that which we need.
Lately, our faith in this area is being tested. We are going through a deeper refining. Though the Lord has always been faithful to provide for our true needs (food and clothing), it has been His way for the last four months to not allow completely for rent, hot water, electricity, college loans, car insurance, and other things. We have not shared this before - partly out of pride, for which I beg your forgiveness - and partly because we did not want people to think we felt that God was not providing and/or being unjust. Will recently made the decision, however (and I believe it's a wise and obedient one) that if the Lord does not provide all of the money that we need to pay late and next month's rent on time (January 5th), that he is going to take that as the Lord's sign that we are to close the store and move on to the next chapter of God's story for us. We are praying for a miracle!! To us, the amount that we owe is so great, so insurmountable, so impossible that it gets so easy to get sidetracked from the truth that God owns all of the money everywhere ever and can meet that need in a heartbeat. All of those weeks when we made less than $100 might have been because He wants to display His ability to provide huge things now.
I grapple with the reason why He hasn't done it yet. If He hates debt so much, why hasn't He allowed us to pay each of our bills on time?! We don't need more than that; just enough so that the collection phone calls stop and we don't live with the real possibility of being evicted. But God is sovereign, my friends, and everything He allows (good or bad) is used to glorify Himself and to make us more like Christ!!! And that is one of my deepest heart's desires, that I identify with Christ so much that people look at my life and their minds are blown because they see that Christ is REAL and ALIVE, working in my life!!! and that He came to set them free from their slavery to sin if they would just accept that gift!!
Bookstore or no bookstore, whatever God has for us in the coming days/weeks/months/years, I trust Him completely and absolutely. He may ask us to close the store because He's got something more amazing for us - another way that we can live a life that is dedicated to sharing the hope of Jesus with people full-time - or He might provide the thousands we need in the next two weeks because He wants Will to stay behind the register for now. We don't know. We are waiting on His answer. And His answer will be perfect.
Come and hear, you who fear God. We are not doing anything extraordinary. We are following Jesus. And He is worth everything we've 'given up' and He will be worth whatever else we have to leave behind to go where He leads us.
There is a lot of stuff going on in my heart and in my mind lately. Some days are fabulous, and by fabulous I mean that there's not a lot of crying and I'm able to function quasi-normally. Some days are fabulous, and by fabulous I mean that friends show up at my door with iced coffee or coolattas. Most days, however, are marked by a copious amount of tears and mood swings that can make New England weather seem pretty stable. God is using this time to do some major heart renovations. Even though it's painful and thoroughly unpleasant sometimes, I know that on the other side of it I'll be grateful for the 'refiner's fire!' Getting my weight under control has been one thing that God has really been prompting me to do - for quite some time. Since Elizabeth was born 3 1/2 years ago, I have gained almost 40 pounds, which is about 80 pounds heavier than any doctor would tell me is remotely healthy. About 3 months before we found out we were pregnant, I had really gotten quite serious about losing weight, and had lost about 20 pounds. Mostly through exercising and eating healthy and eating the correct portions (moderation?! Go figure!...) I did not really enjoy any of it, though. Except that I was more able to fit in some of my pre-Abby pants. Last week, while I was trying to get back into the exercise routine, and I was complaining and trying to coax God to help me lose weight faster, He put a verse on my heart that I know and I've heard many times and even been more than happy to repeat to Will in many instances: "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ." [Colossians 3:23-24] Whatever you do. That includes, but is not limited to: losing weight, scrubbing the toilet, cleaning up poopy diapers, getting up at 1am...and 4am...and 5am...and 6:30am...with sick children to change bedsheets and diapers and jammies, doing dishes, reading to the kids, grocery shopping, and breaking up sibling fights (which can be awfully nasty!) So, in a few moments, I realized that my attempt at losing weight was futile, if it wasn't being done for the Lord. My motives were wrong. I wanted to lose weight so I could have more kids and the pregnancies would be healthier. That's not a bad bonus, but it shouldn't be the whole motive. The last couple of days, then, have been a little more enjoyable. As I'm faced with choosing healthy food or...say...cake (as many of you know, my husband is a cake-a-holic, and we always seem to have plenty of it in this house, which is not always entirely my fault!!!), or when I am contemplating whether or not I should exercise, being reminded that my ultimate goal is to take care of this body that the Lord has blessed me with makes those choices easier. So...here we go, Lord...20 down, a lot more to go! :) The other major renovation He is doing in my life is in regard to my children. Since I was about 12, I have always wished for lots of children, and especially after Will & I got married, I have said to the Lord on multiple occasions something like: "Lord, my desire is to have lots of children so that they can live lives that honor You!" and in the last few days the Lord has gently pointed out that that's really prideful. Like "Hey, Lord, aren't you so proud of me, that I'm willing to sacrifice my body and its ability to function normally so that You can have more kids on the earth who just love You so much? Isn't that amazing? I'm pretty awesome that way. Can you bless us with more kids? Twins, even? Triplets? Could I please be like Michelle Duggar?? [Note: she is the woman from the TLC show "18 & counting" that has 19 children!]" For a long time, my relationship with the Lord fluctuated based on whether or not I was pregnant or just had a baby. It's hard not to feel ashamed when I realize that my joy in the Lord was not necessarily what He had done for me on the cross, but what He was doing for the size of my family. God is showing me how to be content with the size of my family now. As I was reading and praying the other night, He spoke in the stillness of my heart that if He only ever gives me these two children, I need to be content with that. He is not concerned with the number of children Will & I have; He is concerned that we are willing to raise whatever children He gives us for His glory and in His nurture and admonition. What a freedom that realization has been over the last couple of days! This miscarriage, then, has been one of the most important events of my life. God has brought me face-to-face with two sins that I have been either ignorant of or unwilling to deal with for a long time, and I have found more joy in worshipping Him for who He is, not just for all the great things He's doing for me. Here is Psalm 66. I was reading it the other night. How timely and beautiful God's Word is, and how wonderful when I finally lay down my pride and allow His Word to teach and refine my heart! Enjoy! Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth! Sing out the honor of His name; make His praise glorious. Say to God, “How awesome are Your works! Through the greatness of Your power Your enemies shall submit themselves to You. All the earth shall worship You and sing praises to You; they shall sing praises to Your name.” Selah Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men. He turned the sea into dry land; they went through the river on foot. there we will rejoice in Him. He rules by His power forever; His eyes observe the nations; do not let the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah Oh, bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of His praise to be heard, who keeps our soul among the living, and does not allow our feet to be moved. For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs. You have caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; but You brought us out to rich fulfillment. I will go into Your house with burnt offerings; I will pay You my vows, which my lips have uttered and my mouth has spoken when I was in trouble. I will offer You burnt sacrifices of fat animals, with the sweet aroma of rams; I will offer bulls with goats. Selah Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear. But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer, nor His mercy from me!
